Some Firsts to Forget
Along with being behind on writing this past week, I also haven’t been able to read my favorite blogs. I finally got to catch up on some this morning in between work. Finding myself a bit troubled by my seemingly idea-less mind lately, I decided to take some inspiration from a Five Forks blog post today. It has been a decent amount of time since I thought about some of my firsts. Lets see…
It was the Summer between 8th and 9th grade. His name was Sal. Nah, Sal was so not his real name, but I think Sal sounds cool, his real name did start with an S, and it reminds me of one of my favorite childhood books, Blueberry’s for Sal. We had been “going out” (aka chatting on AIM) for about two weeks. Jazzy and I had convinced our parents to allow us an unsupervised gallivant to the movie theater. Of course, we were not old enough to drive yet, so Dad had to drop us off. Super cool.
The first hour of the flick consisted of playing musical armrests, and when it was my turn, making sure to position my hand palm side up and open in order to make it easier for him to hold my hand if he would so choose. I couldn’t even begin to tell you which movie it was that we went to see, but I do know it was an action movie … ba dun tsss. There, in the climactic scene of the movie, I found my personal bubble shattered with what felt like warm jello all over my mouth. There was no warning. It was not magical. I did not see fireworks. We stopped “going out” soon there after. I don’t care what anyone says, there is no way any first kiss can be the best kiss of your life. You feel terrified, inexperienced, and in my case, awkwardly pinned against a movie theater seat in front of approximately 150 strangers (minus my best friend). I felt as if my dad could see it written all over my color drained face when he picked us up.
First Time I Drank
Yet again, Jazzy and I were partners in crime on this one. It was high school. Jazzy dated an upperclassman who had parties. You see where this is going. We had no clue what to request as our choice alcoholic beverage for our very first party, but we did know we both enjoyed the occasional lemonade. The result of this conclusion was a six-pack of Doc’s (no, not Mike’s) Hard Lemonade. Must have been an off-brand. So hardcore, right? Three delicately spiked lemonades later, I was sitting on a porch swing smoking a cigarette (because that totally made my 15-year-old baby face look mature and sophisticated) and slurring out warnings for the guys standing around not to try to take advantage of me or it wouldn’t end pretty. I was saying this to every male in the vicinity, none of which were even paying me attention let alone trying to hit on me in my drunken state. I was basically talking to myself. I do not remember much else. Where is that Men in Black memory eraser thingy when you need it?
Five Forks addresses the first time a girl touches his unmentionables while dancing in his funny firsts file. I’m pretty sure this one does not apply to me, so…
First Time I Knee Boarded
Too add to the awkwardness of this particular story, it was actually a first real date with probably one of the most attractive guys I have ever met. We headed to the lake to do some boating and knee boarding. First we tore down the top to his red Jeep wrangler and hopped in to hit the highway. With his dog in tow in the back, we were gleefully bouncing up and down the road; him enjoying the breeze and all the best tunes, and me clandestinely trying to tame my hair over the high-speed wind. All the while, I was keeping an eye on puppy, who I was sure would jump ship any minute. All of the sudden, I felt a warm mist and smelled the most pungent yet instantly recognizable odors. Hello doggy piss to the face. After some colorful language and feverish wiping, we laughed it off.
Now, a few miles down the road and keeping an even keener eye on the dog, I noticed he was really getting antsy back there. Just as he went to perch himself off the side of the car in jump position, I instinctively yanked his tail. Hard. Excuse this simile, but it was like pulling a lever on a soft serve machine. He let loose the number two from hell as my hand just barely escaped the line of fire. I know I used the word puppy, but in reality we are talking Mastiff proportions. No really, it was an actual full-grown Mastiff. I now found myself wishing he had just gone dog overboard five miles back.
After one smelly ride, we arrived lakeside. Everything was going well until I decided to show my bravery and knee board simultaneously with my foxy fling. This resulted in me being flung off doing about ten cartwheels across the water, skidding like a skipping stone. I am pretty sure my bathing suit was no longer in a position to leave anything to the imagination once I finally reached the surface for air. So much for making the guy wait to see the goods. That relationship ended pretty abruptly as well.
Yes, the majority of that story was more about dog doo thank knee boarding, but it is definitely one of the more hilarious stories I have (in retrospect).
What are your most memorable, awkward, terrifying, funny, or [insert adjective here] firsts?
Posted on May 1, 2012, in Adventures, Humor, Silly, Uncategorized and tagged 25tofly, awkward, Becca Cord, blog, Blogging, Dog, Drinking, Embarassing, events, First Kiss, Firsts, humor, Kneeboard, life, Mastiff, Memories, Movies, Recreation, Silly, WordPress. Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.