Christmas in September

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG .. etc. etc.

I am going to try not to have an aneurysm and/or vomit glitter right now. If you have been around since I began this blog (a little over six months ago *distant cheering*) you may remember a little something about me. I am heinously obsessed with theChive.com and their sister site theBerry.com. Over the past year I have watched like a caged kitten two feet away from his pals playing with a laser light and waiting ever so impatiently for theChive to have a meet-up that is close enough to Louisiana for me to attend. Well, they did even better than close to Louisiana. The meet-up is in Louisiana.

I can proudly say that today is the day. I shall finally get my wish. I am purchasing my ticket for theChive meet up in New Orleans this Friday!! You know I am truly excited when I use two exclamation points, or when I use an exclamation point period. That’s some serious punctuation that is not to be toyed with. I simply wanted to share my elation, and explain my absence this weekend. Here is what is coming up on 25ToFly:

• Remember how I promised to tell y’all a story involving a cat lady, alcohol, and a sexual fetish? Well, it’s still coming (seriously, no pun intended).
• If the article I attempted to pitch to Cracked.com bombs (at this point I am certain it already did) I am going to finish it and post it here. Yay for rejection and submitting you to my failed writing attempts.
• Something about the shit that goes down at my nail salon. Sounds intense, right?

Some other things are in the works, but I’ll leave you with those three for now. You may also remember a while back I mentioned I was starting a second blog. Well, I did. I launched it last week, but I decided that it shall remain anonymous due to the content containing mainly personally incriminating information.

Oh, and if I do not return on Monday, it is likely I have run off to stalk the editors at theChive. In this case, please alert the appropriate people, like no one.

Here is a grumpy cat too. Are you entertained yet?

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Cordial Holiday Meals With The Cords

I am the savage one. You might want to check your yams for cat-eye crust.

Well, well, well. It looks like Blogger Idol is allowing us peons to play along from the loser’s bench. I sound a little sour, but truth be told I think it is a great idea. I also like the challenge of having a topic provided for me to write about. The topic for this week is Family Traditions. You might need a cocktail for this one.

The holiday season is inevitably rushing towards us. I have to keep reminding myself of this, because in Louisiana it feels like summer throughout the entirety of this thing they call “fall”. I am not quite sure what that word means. The first in the string of holiday festivities for my family is Thanksgiving which then leads straight on into Christmas and ends with New Years. I know you are grateful for that uncommon knowledge I just provided.

I present to you a play-by-play of all three holiday dinners in my household, as they are all identical if you swap a ham for a turkey in December. The predictable behavior that repeats year by year is the tradition in itself. Your play-by-play stars myself, my mother, my father, and my brother. Action!

Some People Have Spoken

There is nothing better than waking up at 7:00 am on your one day to sleep in. It is just magical. It is especially refreshing if you wake up because your apartment walls are thinner than Trump’s hairline and it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher is haunting you. That concludes the venting portion of today’s post.

First order of business:

Thanks to all of those who gave me some feedback on my header and “button”. I know I didn’t leave much time for everyone to have a chance to give input, but it didn’t take many responses until I knew what to do. I think the collective response so far is that I should have stuck with the old header. Sometimes your first instinct is the better one. So, I brought back my girl Cinder. *And the crowd goes wild*

As far as the button goes, it stays, but it needed some enhancing. I found a much better tutorial to help me with that here. In this instance, unlike my header, my first choice for a helpful link was not the best. Oh, we are also not going to call it a button anymore. The more I look at that word, the more disgustingly cutesy it seems. We are going to call it a label. A blog label. A blabel. The phrase, “check out/grab my button!” should be reserved for getting lucky.

Pimp My Blog

Buttons be hydraulics for yo blog, and yo header be the spinnin’ rims.

So, have you noticed it looks a little less Raggedy Ann and a little more Audrey Hepburn in here? Actually, my blog probably has more in common with radioactive ladybugs than it does with Audrey Hepburn, but you get my point. Because we just get each other, right?

After becoming an official member of #BloggerIdolRejects (hash tag credit to Mr. ElGuapo) and pondering what absurd reasons the judging panel came up with to exclude me from the top thirteen, I began to think of ways that I could improve my blog. I came up with three conclusions that may help my case in the future:

First World Work Problems

I admittedly chose this photo solely based on the attractive male in a suit… in a pool.

Parts of this post are hypothetical. Maybe.

I read a post today by Lament’s and Lullalbies that I thought was brilliantly human, which is odd, because I know internet people aren’t people at all, they are aliens. Cool aliens, but aliens nonetheless. Don’t worry, I am not phoning the MIB… yet.

Her post addresses the human condition of struggling between making ends meet and making your dreams come true. She writes in a way that is synonymous with the mosh pit of a thought process that I assume begins in most people’s minds when thinking about these issues. Everyone has an ideal career, or two, or three, or is at least on the search to finding one. Everyone also faces the ongoing obligation to provide for themselves at the same time. It is all a huge balancing act and we don’t have the proper equilibrium. In my case, I am just drunk.

5 Ways to Tell If You Are Lazy

 

Am I nipping?

OR, 5 Ways to Tell If You Are Adaptive and Awesome

You belong in one of these two categories, depending on your inherent optimism/pessimism, if you do any of the following:

1. Use your hair straightener to iron only the front of your shirt while it remains on your body. After all, it’s the only side people see anyway.

2. Sprinkle your house with multiple bowls of cat food and water in a decorative fashion to avoid having to worry about completing the task throughout the week. Soon, your cat can’t run away from you when you try to motorboat his belly. He will waddle slow enough for you to catch him. Two birds, one stone.

3.  Your driver’s side window in your vehicle has not had roll down capabilities since some time in 2011. You enter the drive-thru backwards.

4. Instead of holding that heavy blow dryer over your head for twenty minutes, you turn on Willow Smith and whip your hair back and forth until it’s dry. Go green.

5. You write a “list” post and lure people in with a picture of a bulging cat belly. This is most certainly in the adaptive and awesome category.  No debate here.

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I Don’t Watch “Girly” Shows

Some things about me:

Check out my mink stole!

1. I don’t eat cereal, but if I did I wouldn’t eat it with milk. That’s disgusting.

2. I don’t have barbies anymore, but if I did I would totally line them up on my ceiling fan blades and flip the switch to on. I make it rain… dolls.

3. I don’t have cable anymore, but if I did I would be watching the premier of the new season of Grey’s Anatomy in exactly ten days. Don’t look at me like that. There is sarcasm all up in that title.

Did I do the trifecta thing right Edward? I had a different Rule of Three experience, so I am not too sure.

So, what have we learned? I don’t like soggy food, or the word soggy, and I don’t  have the healthiest ways of entertaining myself. My previous barbies will vouch for that.

Speaking of entertainment and TV shows, I have discovered a new series. You’ve probably never heard of it, but it is named Dawson’s Creek. 

Somehow I was never properly obsessed with this show ten years ago when it actually aired. I was probably too busy seeing how many items I could sling off of my ceiling fan. I also remember being ridiculously consumed in The OC and fantasizing about seven minutes in heaven with Adam Brody. Between the two activities there wasn’t time for much else.

How I never so much as channel surfed my way to Dawson’s Creek in between dodging commercials is beyond my comprehension, but I didn’t. I fret not. Thanks to Netflix, I can now time travel back to the nineties and earn this right of passage. I might possibly be one of the last people still wondering when Dawson is going to get laid.

Regardless, It is nice to go back. Back when twenty-five years olds played fourteen year olds and there was always a moral at the close of an episode. Back when scenes became more intense with an Alanis Morissette song. Back when ceramic hair straighteners didn’t exist and actresses looked more like normal people.

With seasons one and two down, I began to wonder how much these fictional high school dramas have probably changed in a decade. After reading The Hook’s post referencing Glee, I don’t think I am quite ready to leave the nineties. Dawson and Joey may be frustratingly prude, but at least missionary sounds less dicey than scissoring. Cue audience laughter.

What is your favorite show from the 90’s?

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Great Example of How to Embellish Your Resume

I would try to snag a date with this gent, but I am afraid it would never work out. I would never make a good enough sandwich to keep him satisfied. It’s a damn shame too, because I’d save a ton on alterations.