Monthly Archives: September 2012
When there are times that I am wrong (rarely ever), I say I am wrong. This is one of those times. I’ll start by extending an apology to the late Mary Kay. I don’t assume it is good for one’s karma to insinuate that the deceased mogul resembles a cross dressing Dustin Hoffman. In my defense, I wasn’t aware she wasn’t still around until last night at the “party”. Obviously, I am not a Mary Kay historian.
I have to give the company the credit it truly deserves. My apology is for judging the mascara by its applicator so to speak. Don’t worry, I wasn’t talked into joining the cult. I am not quitting my day job nor my dream of becoming a writer to paint pouts and strut around in mink stoles (knowledge courtesy of Ms. Carolina). However, my perception of Mary Kay as changed for the better. Prior to last night, those perceptions were frozen in time. The last impression I have of the brand dates back to ’02 when I couldn’t escape the sight of my best friend’s high-resolution eye shadow every day in math class. She always bragged that it was Mary Kay and that her mother was a beauty consultant… so of course she knew what she was doing.
The truth is that I actually ended up buying about seventy dollars worth of the stuff and my purchases weren’t even influenced by friend-guilt. Well played Mary Kay, well played.
My second apology is to those of you who read this blog and is in regards to my post about not telling your friends if you plan to quit smoking. I am a lying hypocrite. Why? Because I did tell my friends. I told all of you. I consider anyone a friend who takes the time to read my junk (that’s what she said?). So, I apologize for not taking my own advice, and I sincerely thank all my blogging friends for being such dashing human beings. Unless you don’t think we are friends, in which case I hope you choke on a mink stole.
- Tired Eyes? :: A Mary Kay Giveaway AND Discount Offer! (iloveyoumorethancarrots.com)
- New iPhone App Aims to Help Mary Kay, Thirty-One Gifts Consultants Do More Business (prweb.com)
- Mary Kay Aims to Raise Awareness of Domestic Violence (bellasugar.com)
Now that I have fully recovered from my Sketchers catastrophe, I have resumed training for the Color Run. I am braving this 5k at the end of November. Training is so much more difficult than the actual run. Obviously, there are no strangers cheering me on by throwing powdered rainbows on me while I slave on the treadmill. There also isn’t a celebration with beer waiting for me after I complete my reps on the weight machine. Who am I kidding. We all know there is beer waiting in my fridge, but that doesn’t change the fact that training just… sucks.
To make matters worse, I have come to the understanding that either the place is just plain old bad luck, or the employees at my gym are purposefully sabotaging me. If the latter is the case, it is probably just because they are jealous that they don’t have the balls to workout in men’s long jonhs. I also don’t sweat, which is neat. Read the rest of this entry
I discovered this contest. It’s called Blogger Idol. It seemed like fun so I um entered. Here is my personal invitation for you to join in. I want that feather pin immediately. That would be better than my business card.
P.S. I didn’t want to have to do this, but apparently to win you have to be voted for on Facebook and Twitter. Such is the case with all else in life amirite? So-ah, if you could go ahead and get on top of that for me. In appreciation I will … do something radical… like post a video of myself doing something that makes you feel better about your life. Go!
It seems like almost a decade ago that I made the naive decision to start smoking. Maybe this is because it actually was a decade ago. That means I have probably consumed approximately 35 some odd thousand “joes” as we dubbed them. How appalling.
I was a mere fifteen years old when I decided it was necessary that I begin smoking. It was actually a dual decision made by Jazzy and me. We would do it together. Jazzy and I both maybe 100 pounds each yet were utterly convinced we needed to lose weight. I blame this on our environment at the time. We were just emerging as principal dancers in the ballet company we belonged to, and if you look up ballerina in the dictionary it will read: person who feels the need to achieve perfection at all times.
We were perpetually unsatisfied with our bodies, which I eventually grew out of thankfully, but at the time we scrounged for anything that promised a quick fix towards emaciating ourselves. This lead to the smoking. We read somewhere back on AOL, in between getting kicked off of the dial-up, that nicotine boosts your metabolism. Thus, we ran with the idea like the stupid tweens that we were.
That 5-year-old, frail as it was stale, Virginia Slim that Jazzy had hidden from her mother when she was a concerned young tot, gave me the worst sensation I had ever felt, tasted and smelled in my entire life. Naturally, I had to have more. That is not to say that you immediately become overwhelmingly addicted to cigarettes after that first puff, but like I said, I was determined.
Fast forward to the present. I am a full believer in the notion that you mentally must be ready to quit and truly want to do so in order to succeed. Don’t quit just because it is more of a turn-off for your new boyfriend than the thought of Lady GaGa’s wiener. Don’t quit just because you want that same boyfriend’s mom to approve of you. Basically, don’t quit for the benefit of someone else. Quit because you are sick of it.
I’ve been sick of smoking for most of this year. Then, after two trips up north where they treat smokers in the same manner as I imagine they treated the witches of Salem, I was beyond sick of it. I began smoking less and less. I knew what time it was better than Flavor Flav and his army of clocks.
How would this be different from the other times I made the attempt but failed? This time, I refused to broadcast my goal to my friends and family. Here are some of the reasons why I didn’t, and why you shouldn’t (note: this goes for giving up anything unhealthy for you).
1. The majority of your affirmations and praise will come from others instead of yourself. Becoming your own cheerleader is the most important. The confidence you will have in yourself will be the most powerful, especially if that confidence is coming from no other sources.
2. Some of your still-smoking friends may tease you, taunt you or worse, ostracize you. They may feel just as uncomfortable smoking around you as you feel not smoking around them. If you don’t announce your decision at the front door, the pressure is off both sides.
3. Let’s say you become seduced by booze and light up. You will know you’ve slipped up, but no one will feel obligated to point it out.
4. If everyone is tracking your “progress” when those downfalls happen, you won’t have to deal with the added stress of feeling like everyone thinks you failed. That stress can lead to a full-blown smoking relapse. Because, who are you kidding, right?
5. Bottom line: This decision is about you, not everyone else.
In conclusion, I would like to announce that I am not quitting smoking. I just haven’t had a cigarette in a while.
- Learn to Quit Smoking with This Advice (answers.com)
- 80% of Cancer Patients Won’t Stop Doing This (belmarrahealth.com)
- How to Stop Smoking (answers.com)
- QuitMasters for smokers who want to quit (medicine.com.my)
Following closely to the theme of my last post, I present Baby Shower Pinnuendo – a post that has me questioning why I can’t get my mind out of the gutter as of late (I think it could possibly have something to do with me recently following Kyle Mew’s blog).
Maybe you will remember a while back when I explained the oddities of planning two very different events at the same time. One of those events was Booger’s baby shower. Nearly half of my life savings and one very confusing stint in the baby isle later, the baby shower preparation is over. This coming Saturday, all of my efforts will hopefully come together to make one baby-rific party, despite me still really having no clue what I am doing.
As I finished putting together game supplies this weekend, I
desperately accidentally began drinking a margarita. It may have contained an extra shot. What you will read next, is the result of mixing these two activities.
Jokes are skeleton keys to manipulating a multitude of situations. People use them to ease awkward or uncomfortable conversations or experiences. Marketers use them to capture customer attention. Even someone as serious as the President uses jokes (even if it is poorly executed). Opportunities for jokes are everywhere, so it makes sense that they are abundant.
I personally cringe to see a good sexual joke go neglected. Luckily, my friends find this wildly entertaining as opposed to obnoxious (which is probably a more accurate description). In fact, one of my friends and I enjoy this pastime so much that we developed the “Hey Lady/Hey Pal” game. The rules are simple. The joke must be unexpected, sexual in nature, and read or spoken in a typical Boston accent. The basic structure looks like this:
“Hey lady/pal, I heard you like _______. Well, I got your _________ RIGHT HERE! Yeah!”
Here is a real life example for better understanding:
Friend texts: “I’m getting dentisted right now.” (translation: I am at the dentist’s office for a routine teeth cleaning)
My response: “Hey lady, I heard you like going to the dentist. Well, I got your palette expander RIGHT HERE! Yeah!”
One more to demonstrate the female version, and because I can’t control myself:
Friend sends me a picture of a job site he is working at doing manly lumberjack stuff
Me: “Hey pal, I heard you like landscaping. Well, I’ve got a field you can plow RIGHT HERE! Yeah!”
Once the joke war has commenced, the first one to respond with anything other than a hey lady/pal joke loses.What kind of ridiculous games do you and your friends play?
- Knee-slappin Friday: the pilot (chipperthings.com)
- The Anti-Joke Cat (themanwhofellasleep.wordpress.com)
- [funny] Tell me a joke (jlake.com)