If I Could Have A Beard For Just One Day…
Hey lady, I heard you like lumberjacks. Well you can stack my wood any day… YEAH!
My parents thought I was a boy up until a few short weeks before I was born. Surprise! I was penisless. My parents had even already decided on naming me Joseph. Why am I telling you this? Well, this week’s Blogger Idol topic is a day in the life of you if you were the opposite gender. Finally, I can delve deep into my penis envy. This will be cathartic. I can feel it.
I am pretty indifferent to the name Joseph, and being that I can’t think of a suitable male version of the name Becca, I am going to use my parents’ name fail. We will actually go with Joe for short, because I am a nickname kind of gal/guy. Please enjoy: A day in the life of Joe (I was either meant to participate in this blog prompt in some cosmic way, or I really have been watching way too much Dawson’s Creek)
As Joe, I wake up and admire my new junk. We are being honest here, right? Scratch that (not literally). Instead I will first sleep in until ten minutes before I head out the door. Five minutes for junk admiration and five minutes for teeth brushing, slapping on some Old Spice deodorant and throwing on my clothes. No shaving. I am a manly man freaking lumberjack and manly men freaking lumberjacks have beards dammit.
On the drive to work I am definitely jamming some Nirvana or some other band from the nineties and definitely not trying to lent roll my entire body while avoiding oncoming traffic. Real men don’t have cats, right? No, I think I now have a Great Dane named Joe the III.
Now I am at work. I work all day without being told an exhausting, redundant woman-kitchen joke. It feels nice. I also actually have a hard hat now, and people actually listen to me.
I write a blog post during lunch; a lunch that involves double meat of some sort with a beer darker than my morning coffee and shameless belching. However, I am sure to say excuse me after each desk trembling eruption. After all, I am a gentleman.
When I arrive home, and because of the fact that I haven’t urinated all day because I have been too busy admiring my beard and hard hat, I take the opportunity to pee standing up all around my house. In the front yard, the back yard, the sink, the toilet, and the shower to name a few. I go downstairs for a nice workout where I secretly stare at the hot girl from 301. Then it is off to eat a large slab of steak so rare it could be a Freshly Pressed post (zing) and drink some whiskey straight on the rocks. Wait, that’s one I already do as a girl.
Around 11:00 pm I hop in some long johns, fondle my flagpole and fall asleep.
I’d say I am a pretty well-rounded dude as Joe. I’d date me.
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Posted on October 2, 2012, in Humor, Silly and tagged 25tofly, beards, beards are manly, Becca Cord, being a man, blog, blog contests, blogger idol, Blogging, dawson's creek, Facial hair, Hard hat, hot lumberjack, lubmerjack, male version of rebecca, Nirvana, What if I was the opposite sex?, what it is like to have a penis, WordPress. Bookmark the permalink. 65 Comments.
Becca, I think “fondle my flagpole” is one of the funniest things you’ve ever written. I’m havin’ a giggle fit picturing this whole routine! I wouldn’t know about any of this stuff though…
I’m glad you approve of my “self love” term! You do have nice scruff, but I’ll take your word for it ;).
I own that hat … as well as one killer beard. Mustaches are not quite my thing, but with Movember coming up, I mayyyy have to try it.
Make it happen man! Glad you stopped by 🙂
I get the impression you don’t really care much for men. Sorry about that.
It’s all in good fun. I love men!
Glad to hear that.
Lol, this was a creative post 🙂
Why, thank you! Glad to see you here.
Your welcome 🙂
As a fourth and fifth grade cheerleading coach, I am going to give this blog a cheer: A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Awesome! Awesome! Totally!
You are not?! So awesome. Don’t drop the spirit stick!!!!
And… T-H-A, N-K-S thaaaaaanks to you!
“Around 11:00 pm I hop in some long johns, fondle my flagpole and fall asleep.”
Hilarious! If I had been drinking milk while reading this, it would have shot out my nostrils and blasted through the wall!
“I’d say I am a pretty well-rounded dude as Joe. I’d date me.” I don’t blame you!
It is my lifelong goal to make at least one person shoot liquid out of his/her nose every day.
Becca,
I am going to agree with a few of the other comments….peeing standing up is awesome!! I never have to wait in line like a woman does at every event known to man! I seriously don’t see how you all don’t go postal having to wait. You are correct about the belching, we generally do say excuse me if its a really loud one. The beauty of being a stay-at-home dad and having a 3-year-old son is I was able to teach him to belch with some force! Now we just have contests to see who can belch the loudest and longest. I would recommend that to any mom or woman. Just let the belches rip and we can have a contest on who can recite the alphabet the fastest. It was a definitly interesting topic this week…I wrote mine and got it posted today. I had a lot of fun writing it up too!
Aaron
That’s too funny. I don’t know how we survive sporting events either. Guess we are pros at holding stuff in ! Thanks for reading. I’ll be sure to read your submission. I haven’t read a male turned female version yet! I’m excited!
LOL ….
It was fun writing it! I noticed that I seem to be the only guy up to the challenge this week….yikes!!! What’s up with that??
Aaron
They were all to scared to enter our territory… even in a hypothetical situation! That’s sad 😦 But props to you! You even survived!
Spankin’ Post, Joe! I like that you pee’d all over the place. I’d do that too.. I tried with a toilet paper roll when I was 5, it didn’t work so well…
Wowza… I am glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read that because it would be all over my screen. A paper towel roll! That’s too good.
It was not a good conduit for urine… seems like those things made of paper don’t hold up well with wetness… 🙂
Now the important question: as you’re a beard-toting, hard-hat wearing man, do you also have tattoos everywhere because as a man there’s just so many more acceptable places to have tattoos???
Totally. As Joe I don’t just have a small Fluer De Lis on my wrist, but a full sleeve of them!
Oh god – girl, I’d be all over you like butter on bread. Beard and tattoos? I literally can’t resist (as my string of ex’s and hook-ups is starting to demonstrate…).
You and me both. To add to that, if you have a beard, tattoos AND you are wielding some sort of tool… it’s like BOOM pregnant!
o.m.g. TOOLS!!!
Agreed.
You had fun with this post. It showed. Kudos on finding a way to use a pic of that weird beard/hat/ski mask combo thingy that looks like something your great aunt nana made.
Thank you Mary. I debated pinning my hair up and posting a picture of me in my boss’s hard hat, but I figured that would be hard to explain if I got caught. Yours is next on my list to read.
that’s a disturbing picture.
Well, at least you aren’t distracted this time.
i was – but not in a good way.
I just can’t win with you.
nor can you lose. if you said, “rich, run across town and get me a left-handed glass of water,” you know i’d be on it.
I can never stay mad at you, and you know I’d only ever ask for a right-handed glass of water.
you can’t stay mad because you know i’d go left if you asked.
You got me.
’bout time.
There are. so. many. things I love about this. I too love the crocheted beard. I have recently gotten into the crochet craze, and I’ve been debating on making one of those. But then I think, why in the world would I need one of those. And now I know, I need it so I can take my picture in it, and come back and put it here with this blog! Additionally, I am so happy to see that you and other lady bloggers took the time to stare at your junk. Kudos to you. I did not stare at my junk in my blog. Fail on my part. :0)
Thank you so much Amanda. I think I would die if you crocheted one of those and sent me a picture of you in it. Seriously, you should do it. I would probably offer to buy it off you. I will have to read your post next :).
I also think you would be striking with JUST a moustache
Now THAT’S a game changer. Beards are obviously comforting and endearing, but mustaches are different. Mustaches make people think… like about whether you are dangerous or just eccentric.
That was a great post! 🙂 Funny stuff lady, I mean man…oh what ever! lol
I know, even I’m a little confused after the past few posts! Thanks regardless though 🙂
I guess just check your junk. lol
Why didn’t I think of that!
I have to say that peeing standing up is awesome. The world is our urinal. I hated this assignment when we got it last year… I tried to squeeze in every stereotype that I could and it ended up so long. Kudos to you for keeping it short.
Oh, I certainly could have kept going. I just didn’t want to take anything too far, and I also wanted to stay true to the style in which most of my other post are written. Thanks for the kind feedback.
I love your take on this prompt! Short, sweet and to the point. Well done! AND great BIG bonus points for having sharing buttons and no captcha. I appreciate it so much!
Thank you for this comment. You are too sweet. Everyone should have sharing buttons!
Isn’t that hat and crocheted beard so hot?
Beards are just that powerful Carolina… even fake ones knitted by your grandmother get me going.
I’d date you, Joe!
Schwing!!
I was going to say something, Becca, but broke a nail on the letter Q on my keyboard, and completely forgot what I was going to say. Beards are not that good, really. They itch. And hurt, if like me you’re allergic to facial hair. (Not all of it, I must add, only some of it). Longjohns aren’t that comfortable either… good post though!
Stop all of that blasphemous talk at once! Thanks for reading though ;).
This was cute. “I’d date me.” I’ve heard guys say that. lol
Thank you for the feedback. Guys are generally more confident it seems. Us chicks should adopt that mindset.
Wow! That’s it. Just wow! HF
Hope that is a good wow. 😉
Best part: had to pee standing up in multiple locations. Fun! But, sorry, I wouldn’t date you as a dude … facial hair is irritating when it rubs against your skin, you know? http://www.notapproriate4.blogspot.com
Thank you! Glad you took a look. I agree facial hair is pretty brutal to the face… but it just looks so damn good! It isn’t so bad when it is longer, but stubble is the worst. Sandpaper my face why don’t you!
I think I’m gonna start shaving less frequently…
I think I like that idea…
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