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Go Home and Hug Your Houseplant

A while back I ran across the term “cum tree” on someone’s blog and had to Google it. The handful of other funky fauna I found along with my search got me to thinking.

The association with flowers and plants is that they are generally attractive and fragrantly appeasing. They are regularly gifted for loved ones on a myriad of occasions. They are even used as home decor. But, most people don’t know that not all plants are elegant nosegasms waiting to be plucked.

Amorphallus Titanum

Yes, this Amorphallus Titanum is just happy to see you.

I certainly had never heard of a “cum tree”. So I read up. In doing so, I ended up reading about some unheard of plants that also aren’t so pleasant to the senses, and in some cases, are pretty freaky in both the sexual and platonic senses of the word.

The modestly named “cum tree” has a real name. The  Pyrus Calleryana Chanticleer. The delightful smelling gem, also called The Bradford Pear Tree, smells of jizz and is apparently planted to adorn buffer strips and medians in large cities… unfortunately. I suppose it could also serve as a way to get her in the mood, “Hey baby, lets take a jaunt down this beautiful median and stop to smell the spunk roses for once”.

Or not. One whiff of those things, and I would imagine I was trapped in a teenage boy’s dirty laundry basket. Cum to think of it, I may have just realized why my brother’s room probably always stank. Excuse me while I go vomit like a frat guy on spring break.

While we are in the realm of penises, here we have another kinky plant of phallic proportions. The Amorphallus Titanum. This humongous ten foot shlong-esque flower doesn’t only encompass the phallic look, but its name actually translates to misshapen penis. It seems it wood be more appropriate for this well endowed bloomer to smell of spunk like the Chanticleer, but actually its smell wavers on the side of a decomposing body. How ironic to nick-name something so resembling of a life-giving organ The Corpse Flower.

This tally-whacker tulip is only found in the Sumatra rain forests, but lucky for you it is possible to transplant to other places around the world for your viewing and/or sniffing pleasure. I wouldn’t suggest keeping one of these in the office lobby unless you are going for that Jeffery-Dahmer-basement smell. Hell, you get this revolting thing together in the same room as the white-tipped Bradford Pear Tree, and you will certainly be brought in on suspicion of Necrophilia.

Another flower I read about, in order to seduce pollinators like dung beetles, literally smells and looks like shit. It is technically edible, but given its lack of aesthetics it’s doubtful anyone is eager to incorporate this into an Edible Arrangements bouquet.

There were others, but I think you have had enough repulsiveness for one day. I mean, damn nature, you nasty. Let’s just all be thankful all plants don’t possess these characteristics. This world would be one fucked up garden.

becca cord signature

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About becca3416

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on October 10, 2012, in Humor, Silly and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 44 Comments.

  1. thank you for finding out the name of the species! i couldn’t figure it out! i live in N. Va where those bloody (well, not bloody actually) trees are planted in abundance and i thought it was the “locust tree” which happens to bloom about the same time, with it’s frizzy pink blossoms. i’d been calling the trees, “Man Goo Trees” for YEARS and my husband actually thought that was what they were called until he said it to his sister who asked, “god, what is that smell? it’s like a pool or hot tub…” and he said, “it’s the Mangew tree.” and she burst out loud at him, the poor dear. and he got all flustered and called me over (because i am the family “gardener” which means i don’t kill the plants i buy from a nursery) and asked me to back him up and i started laughing too. and i said, “no. it just smells like ‘man goo’ as in man junk, as in, your baby makin’ goo.”

    anyway… i loved this post. i found you via justin gawel’s post about masturbation, which was equally funny. good job! 🙂

  2. in my previous home, i had a line of bradford pears lining my driveway. i never noticed anything about the smell, but i have heard that they smell like the – um – female drippings, not the male.

  3. I remember hearing about the cum tree on La La’s blog. That’s right. Thanks Becca for your extensive research. Nature does have its nasty side. Plants are strange and flowers are just like throbbing sexual organs waiting to be plucked.

  4. The things you learn on the ‘net…

  5. It is SO funny that you posted this! On my runs at night, I run past this group of shrubs that smell like semen!! I think it’s those gross plants that smell like skunk mixed with something else.

  6. Excellent post! I can kill most plants – but these might just flourish in my Mortica Addams Memorial Garden

  7. The punnyness of this entry makes me so happy. So so happy! =D

    Also, cool plants. Creepy, but cool. (I dig the lilypad and the 1,000 year old plant!)

    • I love the 1000 year old one. It’s just like, “NOPE. I am here to stay… bitches”. Glad I could brighten your day with my pun over usage :).

  8. That plant is disgusting looking, I can’t even imagine getting close enough to it to get a whiff. Mother Nature is one twisted bitch.

  9. ooohhh, The Bradford Pear Tree. Everyone just calls them ‘semen trees’ at work, which has a gauntlet of them right outside the entrance/exit. Thanks for the intel!

  10. Bahahaha! My neighbor just cut down their Bradford Pear tree. I guess they knew something I didn’t know (until today).

    My aunt has a garden full of Sago Palms. If you don’t know this, there are male and female plants. It’s quite easy to figure out which is which. Anyway, every year my aunt goes out and emasculates the male Sagos in her garden. She’s a nice Southern gentlewoman, you know.

  11. “Damn nature, you nasty.” Loooool!

  12. I’m so glad other people have heard of them! A guy friend in college told me about them. Obviously (because of the name), I thought it was some sort of joke or gross pick-up line waiting to happen. Another (girl) friend confirmed it and warned me to never try to smell one as they (like their name suggests) smell awful. So bizarre!

  13. Is it weird that I would love to smell those particular flowers?

  14. Your blog is a wealth of knowledge! 🙂

  15. You’re welcome for the cum tree exploration. Just one more reason to love Baltimore. And my blog. And plants.

  16. I only know two plants. One of them’s a rose, the other isn’t.
    Thank you for nipping in the bud any aspirations towards increased botanical knowledge I may have had.

  1. Pingback: Is the Bradford Pear a blessing or a curse? | Bradford Pear Tree

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