Go Home and Hug Your Houseplant

A while back I ran across the term “cum tree” on someone’s blog and had to Google it. The handful of other funky fauna I found along with my search got me to thinking.

The association with flowers and plants is that they are generally attractive and fragrantly appeasing. They are regularly gifted for loved ones on a myriad of occasions. They are even used as home decor. But, most people don’t know that not all plants are elegant nosegasms waiting to be plucked.

Yes, this Amorphallus Titanum is just happy to see you.

I certainly had never heard of a “cum tree”. So I read up. In doing so, I ended up reading about some unheard of plants that also aren’t so pleasant to the senses, and in some cases, are pretty freaky in both the sexual and platonic senses of the word.

The modestly named “cum tree” has a real name. The  Pyrus Calleryana Chanticleer. The delightful smelling gem, also called The Bradford Pear Tree, smells of jizz and is apparently planted to adorn buffer strips and medians in large cities… unfortunately. I suppose it could also serve as a way to get her in the mood, “Hey baby, lets take a jaunt down this beautiful median and stop to smell the spunk roses for once”.

Or not. One whiff of those things, and I would imagine I was trapped in a teenage boy’s dirty laundry basket. Cum to think of it, I may have just realized why my brother’s room probably always stank. Excuse me while I go vomit like a frat guy on spring break.

While we are in the realm of penises, here we have another kinky plant of phallic proportions. The Amorphallus Titanum. This humongous ten foot shlong-esque flower doesn’t only encompass the phallic look, but its name actually translates to misshapen penis. It seems it wood be more appropriate for this well endowed bloomer to smell of spunk like the Chanticleer, but actually its smell wavers on the side of a decomposing body. How ironic to nick-name something so resembling of a life-giving organ The Corpse Flower.

This tally-whacker tulip is only found in the Sumatra rain forests, but lucky for you it is possible to transplant to other places around the world for your viewing and/or sniffing pleasure. I wouldn’t suggest keeping one of these in the office lobby unless you are going for that Jeffery-Dahmer-basement smell. Hell, you get this revolting thing together in the same room as the white-tipped Bradford Pear Tree, and you will certainly be brought in on suspicion of Necrophilia.

Another flower I read about, in order to seduce pollinators like dung beetles, literally smells and looks like shit. It is technically edible, but given its lack of aesthetics it’s doubtful anyone is eager to incorporate this into an Edible Arrangements bouquet.

There were others, but I think you have had enough repulsiveness for one day. I mean, damn nature, you nasty. Let’s just all be thankful all plants don’t possess these characteristics. This world would be one fucked up garden.

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