Who Are You Ty Ling?
Apparently, according to Google translate, Ty Ling translates precisely to “Ty Ling” in English. I assume from this in-depth research that Ty Ling is not a phrase, adjective, verb, or even just a noun. It is a proper noun. A name. But who are you Ty Ling?
Recently, I have posted a few fortunes on my Twitter feed that I particularly enjoyed. Today for your entertainment, I will share with you my insight into this Ty Ling character, which I acquired by finishing off the box of his or her fortune cookies last night for dinner.
Ty Ling… Bigs? I have got to work on my product placement.
Fortune # 1: “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”
What is impossible, Ty Ling, is how you got those slivers of paper into those cookies without fusing the two together during baking, or without breaking the cookie post bake. If they are even baked at all. Fun for you, sure. Mind boggling for me.
Fortune # 2: “Made in USA.”
You cheeky bastard, Ty Ling. This is my show, stop stealing it.
Fortune # 3: “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”
Really, Ty Ling? I bet that people wouldn’t agree with the same concept regarding babies. But thanks. I guess.
Fortune # 4: MIA
I guess you forgot to work your magic on that one, Ty.
Fortune # 5: “Love is as necessary to human beings as food and shelter.”
You are throwing curve balls now, Ling. I have no clue where you get this shit.
Fortune # 6: “Friendship is an ocean that you cannot see the bottom.”
False. I’ve seen all of my true friends’ asses.
Fortune # 7: “Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish.”
This is not even a fortune. It’s simply sound advice. But, I do love salmon, so thanks.
If I have learned nothing else by this experiment, it is that Ty Ling is a sassy individual, and that his or her fortune cookies have the nutritional value just shy of cardboard sprinkled with nine grams of sugar.
Bonus nutritional fact: Fortune cookies contain zero milligrams of cholesterol but five-cookies-per-110-calorie-serving worth of blog material. They are a bargain.
How would your perfect fortune read?
Related articles
- Monkeys and Fortune Cookies (dadpoet.wordpress.com)
- Fortune Cookies, Frank O’Hara and a Poetry Prompt (dadpoet.wordpress.com)
- 29 Fortune Cookies That Will Surprise You (PHOTOS) (huffingtonpost.com)
Share this:
Posted on January 3, 2013, in Experiments, Humor and tagged 25tofly, asian cuisine, Becca Cord, blog, Blogging, buy fortune cookies, chinese cuisine, Comedy, dinner, Fortune cookie, fortune cookie nutritional facts, fortune cookies, Funny, funny fortunes, humor, Ling, Silly, ty ling, WordPress. Bookmark the permalink. 121 Comments.
I like me some Ty Ling bigs.
I opened one once and it said, ‘Rest. You are practically perfect in every way. And well done on the dental flossing.’ Huh! Who knew? (Me.)
That’s a pretty impressively accurate fortune. For me. I don’t know about you.
Okay, we can share it. But only if you really do floss regularly.
I do!
Shocked we both fit the fortune but that Ty Ling is a genius after all.
Incredible I tell you!
What a wonderful device your mind is, Becca!
It even named itself. Impressive I know ;).
Best 110 calories ever eaten!
I concur.
I once got a fortune that read, “you and your wife will be very happy together”. I then got the same fortune a few months later, from the same place. I think somebody was messing with me.
Oh, and I’m totally not a lesbian.
Maybe you should be? You don’t want some Asian curse to follow you around. 😉
Aw, man….well I’ll take my chances! I like the doodle too much. Yes, the doodle.
You said doodle. Awesome.
All credit goes to my fiance, who made the mistake of telling me once that this is what he called it as a child. Since then, it is strictly referred to as the doodle.
I can doodle it. I mean dig it.
Oh my word. This post, and the comments … I’m so off after this to make fortune cookies. With my own messages!!! (possibly over excited)
Who wouldn’t be? Making fortune cookies is an impressive skill.
That Bonus Nutritional Fact was super handy! My ideal fortune would somehow involve Batman and cupcakes/baking/food of course. Maybe something along the lines of “Batman will feed you cupcakes and you won’t have to do any fucking dishes” That fortune might have to be split into two cookies due to the wordiness. Oh well. More cookies for me!!
Okay, now that sounds like something even I would enjoy and I am not even a big cupcake person. Oh shit. I didn’t mean that Vyv!
WHAAAAAAAT?!?! How…can you…not…like…cupcakes?! I can surely change your mind. Come visit and I will bake you cupcakes that will make you all tingly inside. That’s right, I said it. It’s what I’m known for.
Only if you promise to include cream cheese icing. It is the only way.
Done deal!!
I got that fortune once! It was awesome.
I remember my first fortune cookie…
I AM JEALOUS.
i love fortune cookies. my kid is really into asian things. for her birthday a few years ago, she went to a place where they show you how to make them, and we had some excellent chinese food. have you done the thing where you read any fortune and then add “in bed”? i’m such a dope that the rest of the world knew this for a hundred years but i only heard about it last year.
Ha, all my fortunes end up in bed… what?
atta girl
Yes.
Fortune # 7: “Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish. Or a boot. Or a tire. Or a tin can. Or Jimmy Hoffa’s body.”
Hey, I’m just being a realist here?
I’m crushed. Am I not a true friend?
Or did I leak those pictures of my ass…
Lets just say you qualify as a full moon in my book. 😉
Those squats and lunges really work!
what? your ass was leaking? eww.
Rich,
I tried and tried but I can’t come up with an appropriately disgusting reply. So you win this one.
I’m gonna kick your ass at the poker game fucker.
Red
just don’t shoot poker chips out of your ass like last game.
A win’s a win brother…
Those are awesome fortunes! Makes me kind of sad though. I actually never had a fortune cookie in my life, and I’m 24 now. I need to correct this, clearly. =[
May I recommend Ty Ling?
Sadly we do not have them here! 😦
Where is here?
What gets me is that ‘fortune’ cookies don’t contain actual fortunes. They’re just words of wisdom. I want a cookie that’s going to go out on a limb and make a legitimate prediction about my life.
Exactly. Even if it was, “Tim will comment on this post tomorrow” I would have been satisfied.
I want something like “Tim will sprain his fingers commenting on this post at 5:12pm eastern time”
I knew you were a masochist.
what if your fortune cookie said that
Dun dun DUNNNN.
I’ve never had a fortuneless cookie before! That has got to be good luck or just that your luck is going to be so crappy they don’t want to tell you about it! I hope that’s not the case!!
Me either! Yikes.
I have, more than once, got irrationally angry when I got advice or a platitude instead of a fortune. Did I already tell you that somewhere? I feel like I did. Huh. Brain’s going.
Anyway, fortune cookies, eh? Yeah, sometimes I get the advice ones and I get just irrationally angry.
Back. Away. From. The. Internet.
My sister told me that I had to eat the actual fortunes in order for them to work. 1/3 of my body weight is cheap strips of paper.
Your poop must be very informative.
I am immediately sorry that I went there.
I’ll forgive you. I won’t shake your hand for months, but I’ll forgive you.
Can we still do that cuddling thing though?
Hmmm…
No. I knew that. Forget I mentioned it. 😉
Brava, Becca! I’m laughing at your comment to Le Clown. Next time I have a fortune, I’ll consult you. You’re quite the expert, and Miss Ty Ling is a sassy one!
I am here for you ma’am! Day and night!
I’m reminded of the Simpsons episode where Homer thinks he should have an affair with the new girl in the office who is basically him but female and pretty, and they’re at this restaurant and his fortune cookie says “go for it” and then it cuts to the men out back saying “oh, we’re out of the ‘go for it’ ones – we’ll have to use the ‘stay with your wife’ fortunes”.
Winning the lottery would be pretty good, I’d be able to give the money to the Order to help build the new priory.
I remember that episode! Got to love adult cartoons dude!
You are such a generous soul. I am glad there are people like you in the world. People like you SHOULD win the lottery, but instead it’s always meth heads, right? :(.
Or if not meth heads, then people who say “oh, it won’t change me” and then instantly become big fat super mega bitches and ditch all their old friends.
I think you should post a really good fortune instead of your header placeholder. Or is that supposed to be like a fortune cookie….and when you add “in bed” as you read your fortune, your header would read: “in the making, in bed.”
The placeholder is just there until my banner is finished. Did you read yesterday’s post? There is a preview of what it will be in the post.
Yes, I read yesterday’s post. Looking forward to it!
But, my own personal fortune would be, “Fly by the seat of your long johns… in bed”. 🙂
THAT’s what I wanted to see.
#7 is all kinds of fucked up. I’ve never been in a pool where people are fishing, let alone with any fish in it. It seems to me that would violate some kind of health code. Wouldn’t the chlorine in the water kill the fish?
Anyhow, my fortune read that a woman with beautiful red hair will shatter your illusion and tell you she’s a natural blond.
At first I was worried that that woman would be my wife, but it turned out to be this hilarious blogger instead.
Weird.
I can’t believe Ty Ling sold me out like that.
I know. That’s pretty low.
Shaking babies is a no no, unless they cry.
HAHA!
I had Chinese for lunch today, here is my fortune.
“Your flamboyant personality will soon bring you to a new hobby”
Now I’m officially scared for 2013.
They had to use the word flamboyant, didn’t they. Don’t be scared. You are fierce Jon!
Red Hair Dye….Here I Come!!!
Gingers unite! Then your beard wont be so lonely in color come Movember, right?
Something like that. It’s going grey faster than I can “Soulless”….but we can always try.
I ate my fortunes as a kid.
Okay, I ate a fortune late week. I cracked it open but I couldn’t see the fortune, so I ate it. Please tell me this happens to you too?
I happen to get actual fortuneless cookies a lot. I have no fortune. Waaaah.
The horror!
I’m so glad I don’t know where to buy these. The best fortune I ever got was, “You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.” It freaked me right the freak out. All of WHAT? Won’t you let me at least TRY?
People told me it was supposed to include the word ‘mistakes’ – you can’t possibly live long enough to make all the mistakes yourself. I don’t know if that’s a comfort or not.
But the irony was not lost on me.
Don’t you just love it when they leave out the most important part of the sentence? I got one once that said, “It takes everything”. What? What takes everything? WHAT???? I curse you Ty Ling!!!!!!!!
It was clearly a threat.
Clearly.
Right? I’m pretty sure ‘fortune insults’ are the only thing left.
“He never loved you. And who could blame him?”
“No. No, your butt doesn’t look big in those pants. It looks f&*#*%* enormous.”
“Your jokes are really funny. You should open for Carrot Top.”
Wow. I think I hear my future career calling.
Damn, you are good at sadistic fortunes.
Whelp you just gave me an idea for a blog post… GREAT IDEA btw and I am going to copy you. I may have to skip the “Ty LING” fortune cookies for good reason… SO Boring and confusing am I right?
What are you talking about? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Confusing!
talking about going out and buying my own box of fortune cookies and analyzing those babies… Thats what I’m talking bout.
Go for it, but beware. Your mouth will become extremely parched three cookies in. Have water, milk, or beer (in your case) readily available.
Once I got a fortune cookie that said, “When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out because that’s what’s inside. Didn’t need a fortune cookie to solve that mystery.
Haha! Anka that is hilarious. When I read the, “Made in USA” one I almost fell out of my chair. I have never seen a fortune like that, or yours for that matter. I’d love to become a fortune cookie writer just to write fortunes that make people say “WTF?”. It would be a blast.
Ohhhhh! I get it now! Like “orange juice.” The “juice” of an “orange”! Oh, man, this explains a lot. A lot.
Fortune cookies are hard to crack. So, are their riddled messages. I would hate to get one that says, “You are unique just like everybody else.” That’s what I call the MISfortune of knowing.
They are so tricky Anka.
My perfect fortune would be “You will find true love and win the lottery” in that order. I would find true love first THEN win the lottery so I would make sure my true love was mine before the lottery came into the picture. Of course i would have to play the lottery to win it, which I don’t which is problematic. Don’t know how I will overcome that since gambling is against my religious beliefs. Oh well. There goes that fortune.
Funny you should mention the lottery. I never play. I never even buy scratch offs, but for some reason last night I bought a $3 scratch off bingo card. I lost. So, I resorted to the fortunes instead. Ty Ling let me down just like the lottery.
My fortune: You will meet a tall, handsome strangler.
I almost said, “I would like that fortune please”. Then I realized that extra L in there. I am not into all of that, so he is all yours Ross.
It’s nice to see that instead of focusing just on making great fortunes or great cookies, Ty Ling has decided to go half-ass on both!
To use Sloan’s joke from below, maybe he is just Tyling (tiring) of making fortune cookies.
Did you steal a Thai child and have them write this for you? (Not one of my students, their Engrish isn’t THAT good.) Ty Ling=an asian person trying to say Tyring or Tiring. (No, I’m not racist, I just live in Asia and have direct experience with shit like this!)
Nice work. Send some Inpi Lation my way (did you get the joke? Didja? Didja? No? Thanks okay)
Ha! Sloan, I tried for a good five minutes to think of some sort of pronunciation joke for Ty Ling. Where were you last night when I was writing this?
Lately I haven’t been seeming to get your jokes. Am I losing it? First the toilet thing, now the Inpi Lation… help.
It’s not funny when I have to spell it out–Urinal–there’s a brand named “Sloan” that flushes automatically. Pretty neato that when I was in college I would get random picture texts from my drunk guy friends “thinking of me” when using the john.
Gee thanks, hope you washed your hands.
Insi Lation (asians have a hard time with the letter R. so that was a play on Inspiration…) Okay not that funny, but I’ve been in bed sick all week and it’s the best I could come up with!
PS: YOU, my dear, are the one with the funny blog, not me!!! Kuddos.
My 8 year old makes me buy those for her. She loves cracking them open, reading the fortune and then ranting for an hour about how “To make a fortune you must save a dollar” is not a fortune and the Ty Ling people (person?) didn’t spend enough time in college learning fortune writing. I never realized they offered that as a college course but the 8 year old assures me they do.
I passed up the opportunity to take that course in place of an international marketing elective, and I will never stop kicking myself. I guess that is why I binge eat fortune cookies and write about it.
I ate my fortune once, on accident, (ok, I was completely trashed – but it was my during my college ‘salad days’ ..or maybe my college ‘paper eating days’) … anyway, I always wondered what that would portend…
Please do some prelim research and report back forthwith.
Secret UNLEASHED!
Shut up!!!!
I’ll start making them and putting my own messages and giving to people at work.
“You are fired! I saw you watching porn”
“You were the one who ate my breakfast, you are fired too”
“Look to your left, there’s a door, grab your crap and leave, you are fired”
This could be fun.
I have opened Pandora’s box, and I like it. Fortune cookies will never be the same!
Becca,
You’re back!! Look at you being funny and stuff!
Fortune #8: You will be funny and stuff.
Fortune #9: Le Clown is eloquent, and stuff.
Fortune #10: Shut the fuck up, Clown Boy.
Le Clown
Fuck yeah I am! Make me a balloon clown!
I just fell in love with you. Just now.
I have been waiting on this day to come.
Pingback: Oh Y’all | 25ToFly