Who Are You Ty Ling?

Jan 3

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Apparently, according to Google translate, Ty Ling translates precisely to “Ty Ling” in English. I assume from this in-depth research that Ty Ling is not a phrase, adjective, verb, or even just a noun. It is a proper noun. A name. But who are you Ty Ling?

Recently, I have posted a few fortunes on my Twitter feed that I particularly enjoyed. Today for your entertainment, I will share with you my insight into this Ty Ling character, which I acquired by finishing off the box of his or her fortune cookies last night for dinner.  

ty ling fortune cookies

Ty Ling… Bigs? I have got to work on my product placement.

Fortune # 1: “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”

What is impossible, Ty Ling, is how you got those slivers of paper into those cookies without fusing the two together during baking, or without breaking the cookie post bake. If they are even baked at all. Fun for you, sure. Mind boggling for me.

Fortune # 2: “Made in USA.”

You cheeky bastard, Ty Ling. This is my show, stop stealing it.

Fortune # 3: “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”

Really, Ty Ling? I bet that people wouldn’t agree with the same concept regarding babies. But thanks. I guess.

Fortune # 4: MIA

I guess you forgot to work your magic on that one, Ty. 

Fortune # 5: “Love is as necessary to human beings as food and shelter.”

You are throwing curve balls now, Ling. I have no clue where you get this shit. 

Fortune # 6: “Friendship is an ocean that you cannot see the bottom.”

False. I’ve seen all of my true friends’ asses.

Fortune # 7: “Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish.”

This is not even a fortune. It’s simply sound advice. But, I do love salmon, so thanks.

If I have learned nothing else by this experiment, it is that Ty Ling is a sassy individual, and that his or her fortune cookies have the nutritional value just shy of cardboard sprinkled with nine grams of sugar.

Bonus nutritional fact: Fortune cookies contain zero milligrams of cholesterol but five-cookies-per-110-calorie-serving worth of blog material. They are a bargain.

How would your perfect fortune read?

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About becca3416

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on January 3, 2013, in Experiments, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 121 Comments.

  1. davidhardingblogs | January 5, 2013 at 3:48 AM

    I like me some Ty Ling bigs.

    I opened one once and it said, ‘Rest. You are practically perfect in every way. And well done on the dental flossing.’ Huh! Who knew? (Me.)

    Reply
  2. The Hook | January 4, 2013 at 5:56 PM

    What a wonderful device your mind is, Becca!

    Reply
  3. cherylhuffer | January 4, 2013 at 9:31 AM

    Best 110 calories ever eaten!

    Reply
  4. Nicole Marie | January 4, 2013 at 9:25 AM

    I once got a fortune that read, “you and your wife will be very happy together”. I then got the same fortune a few months later, from the same place. I think somebody was messing with me.

    Oh, and I’m totally not a lesbian.

    Reply
  5. weezafish | January 4, 2013 at 6:39 AM

    Oh my word. This post, and the comments … I’m so off after this to make fortune cookies. With my own messages!!! (possibly over excited)

    Reply
  6. vyvacious | January 4, 2013 at 4:08 AM

    That Bonus Nutritional Fact was super handy! My ideal fortune would somehow involve Batman and cupcakes/baking/food of course. Maybe something along the lines of “Batman will feed you cupcakes and you won’t have to do any fucking dishes” That fortune might have to be split into two cookies due to the wordiness. Oh well. More cookies for me!!

    Reply
  7. rich | January 3, 2013 at 10:20 PM

    i love fortune cookies. my kid is really into asian things. for her birthday a few years ago, she went to a place where they show you how to make them, and we had some excellent chinese food. have you done the thing where you read any fortune and then add “in bed”? i’m such a dope that the rest of the world knew this for a hundred years but i only heard about it last year.

    Reply
  8. Adam S | January 3, 2013 at 8:42 PM

    Fortune # 7: “Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish. Or a boot. Or a tire. Or a tin can. Or Jimmy Hoffa’s body.”

    Hey, I’m just being a realist here?

    Reply
  9. SocietyRed | January 3, 2013 at 8:23 PM

    I’m crushed. Am I not a true friend?
    Or did I leak those pictures of my ass…

    Reply
  10. Zen A. | January 3, 2013 at 5:15 PM

    Those are awesome fortunes! Makes me kind of sad though. I actually never had a fortune cookie in my life, and I’m 24 now. I need to correct this, clearly. =[

    Reply
  11. Tim Kochenderfer | January 3, 2013 at 5:06 PM

    What gets me is that ‘fortune’ cookies don’t contain actual fortunes. They’re just words of wisdom. I want a cookie that’s going to go out on a limb and make a legitimate prediction about my life.

    Reply
  12. motherhoodisanart | January 3, 2013 at 4:53 PM

    I’ve never had a fortuneless cookie before! That has got to be good luck or just that your luck is going to be so crappy they don’t want to tell you about it! I hope that’s not the case!!

    Reply
  13. The Byronic Man | January 3, 2013 at 4:26 PM

    I have, more than once, got irrationally angry when I got advice or a platitude instead of a fortune. Did I already tell you that somewhere? I feel like I did. Huh. Brain’s going.

    Anyway, fortune cookies, eh? Yeah, sometimes I get the advice ones and I get just irrationally angry.

    Reply
  14. calahan | January 3, 2013 at 4:16 PM

    My sister told me that I had to eat the actual fortunes in order for them to work. 1/3 of my body weight is cheap strips of paper.

    Reply
  15. The Bumble Files | January 3, 2013 at 3:45 PM

    Brava, Becca! I’m laughing at your comment to Le Clown. Next time I have a fortune, I’ll consult you. You’re quite the expert, and Miss Ty Ling is a sassy one!

    Reply
  16. faithhopechocolate | January 3, 2013 at 3:22 PM

    I’m reminded of the Simpsons episode where Homer thinks he should have an affair with the new girl in the office who is basically him but female and pretty, and they’re at this restaurant and his fortune cookie says “go for it” and then it cuts to the men out back saying “oh, we’re out of the ‘go for it’ ones – we’ll have to use the ‘stay with your wife’ fortunes”.

    Winning the lottery would be pretty good, I’d be able to give the money to the Order to help build the new priory.

    Reply
    • becca3416 | January 3, 2013 at 3:29 PM

      I remember that episode! Got to love adult cartoons dude!

      You are such a generous soul. I am glad there are people like you in the world. People like you SHOULD win the lottery, but instead it’s always meth heads, right? :(.

      Reply
  17. iRuniBreathe | January 3, 2013 at 2:34 PM

    I think you should post a really good fortune instead of your header placeholder. Or is that supposed to be like a fortune cookie….and when you add “in bed” as you read your fortune, your header would read: “in the making, in bed.”

    Reply
  18. twindaddy | January 3, 2013 at 2:04 PM

    #7 is all kinds of fucked up. I’ve never been in a pool where people are fishing, let alone with any fish in it. It seems to me that would violate some kind of health code. Wouldn’t the chlorine in the water kill the fish?

    Anyhow, my fortune read that a woman with beautiful red hair will shatter your illusion and tell you she’s a natural blond.

    At first I was worried that that woman would be my wife, but it turned out to be this hilarious blogger instead.

    Weird.

    Reply
  19. Doggy's Style | January 3, 2013 at 1:55 PM

    Shaking babies is a no no, unless they cry.

    Reply
  20. Brother Jon | January 3, 2013 at 1:06 PM

    I had Chinese for lunch today, here is my fortune.

    “Your flamboyant personality will soon bring you to a new hobby”

    Now I’m officially scared for 2013.

    Reply
  21. MissFourEyes | January 3, 2013 at 10:43 AM

    I ate my fortunes as a kid.
    Okay, I ate a fortune late week. I cracked it open but I couldn’t see the fortune, so I ate it. Please tell me this happens to you too?

    Reply
  22. Go Jules Go | January 3, 2013 at 10:37 AM

    I’m so glad I don’t know where to buy these. The best fortune I ever got was, “You can’t possibly live long enough to make all of them yourself.” It freaked me right the freak out. All of WHAT? Won’t you let me at least TRY?

    People told me it was supposed to include the word ‘mistakes’ – you can’t possibly live long enough to make all the mistakes yourself. I don’t know if that’s a comfort or not.

    Reply
  23. MaximumWage | January 3, 2013 at 10:21 AM

    Whelp you just gave me an idea for a blog post… GREAT IDEA btw and I am going to copy you. I may have to skip the “Ty LING” fortune cookies for good reason… SO Boring and confusing am I right?

    Reply
  24. genericmessage | January 3, 2013 at 9:41 AM

    I eat my fortune. I’m a hungry manly man and don’t have time for such things

    Reply
  25. Keeping it Real | January 3, 2013 at 9:35 AM

    Once I got a fortune cookie that said, “When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out because that’s what’s inside. Didn’t need a fortune cookie to solve that mystery.

    Reply
  26. mairedubhtx | January 3, 2013 at 9:19 AM

    My perfect fortune would be “You will find true love and win the lottery” in that order. I would find true love first THEN win the lottery so I would make sure my true love was mine before the lottery came into the picture. Of course i would have to play the lottery to win it, which I don’t which is problematic. Don’t know how I will overcome that since gambling is against my religious beliefs. Oh well. There goes that fortune.

    Reply
    • becca3416 | January 3, 2013 at 9:40 AM

      Funny you should mention the lottery. I never play. I never even buy scratch offs, but for some reason last night I bought a $3 scratch off bingo card. I lost. So, I resorted to the fortunes instead. Ty Ling let me down just like the lottery.

      Reply
  27. rossmurray1 | January 3, 2013 at 8:47 AM

    My fortune: You will meet a tall, handsome strangler.

    Reply
  28. El Guapo | January 3, 2013 at 8:46 AM

    It’s nice to see that instead of focusing just on making great fortunes or great cookies, Ty Ling has decided to go half-ass on both!

    Reply
  29. Sloan | January 3, 2013 at 8:40 AM

    Did you steal a Thai child and have them write this for you? (Not one of my students, their Engrish isn’t THAT good.) Ty Ling=an asian person trying to say Tyring or Tiring. (No, I’m not racist, I just live in Asia and have direct experience with shit like this!)

    Nice work. Send some Inpi Lation my way (did you get the joke? Didja? Didja? No? Thanks okay)

    Reply
    • becca3416 | January 3, 2013 at 9:37 AM

      Ha! Sloan, I tried for a good five minutes to think of some sort of pronunciation joke for Ty Ling. Where were you last night when I was writing this?

      Lately I haven’t been seeming to get your jokes. Am I losing it? First the toilet thing, now the Inpi Lation… help.

      Reply
      • Sloan | January 3, 2013 at 9:41 AM

        It’s not funny when I have to spell it out–Urinal–there’s a brand named “Sloan” that flushes automatically. Pretty neato that when I was in college I would get random picture texts from my drunk guy friends “thinking of me” when using the john.

        Gee thanks, hope you washed your hands.

        Insi Lation (asians have a hard time with the letter R. so that was a play on Inspiration…) Okay not that funny, but I’ve been in bed sick all week and it’s the best I could come up with!

        PS: YOU, my dear, are the one with the funny blog, not me!!! Kuddos.

        Reply
  30. C.K. Hope | January 3, 2013 at 8:25 AM

    My 8 year old makes me buy those for her. She loves cracking them open, reading the fortune and then ranting for an hour about how “To make a fortune you must save a dollar” is not a fortune and the Ty Ling people (person?) didn’t spend enough time in college learning fortune writing. I never realized they offered that as a college course but the 8 year old assures me they do.

    Reply
    • becca3416 | January 3, 2013 at 9:33 AM

      I passed up the opportunity to take that course in place of an international marketing elective, and I will never stop kicking myself. I guess that is why I binge eat fortune cookies and write about it.

      Reply
  31. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | January 3, 2013 at 8:13 AM

    I ate my fortune once, on accident, (ok, I was completely trashed – but it was my during my college ‘salad days’ ..or maybe my college ‘paper eating days’) … anyway, I always wondered what that would portend…
    Please do some prelim research and report back forthwith.

    Reply
  32. Le Clown | January 3, 2013 at 8:09 AM

    Becca,
    You’re back!! Look at you being funny and stuff!
    Fortune #8: You will be funny and stuff.
    Fortune #9: Le Clown is eloquent, and stuff.
    Fortune #10: Shut the fuck up, Clown Boy.
    Le Clown

    Reply

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