Life Glitch

Inexplicable things happen every day. Glitches in the matrix. Coincidences. Alien invasions. Call it what you will.

I recently experienced this very phenomenon. I have no certain explanation for the events that I am about to describe to you. Welcome to the twilight zone. The good one that doesn’t involve shimmery vegan vampires.

keanu with banana

Keanu with a banana phone. You can’t explain that.

It was Sunday, and rather than leaving myself winded from completing  tasks on my lengthy to-do list, I fucked off instead. Football was on. I don’t usually watch it unless the Saints are playing, but it was the perfect distraction on which to blame my lack of productivity. Plus, a friend of mine actually wanted to hang out. I thought I would give that a shot. Apparently, it is a popular thing to do among the internetless.

After a burger and a bloody mary, we were already in tears over attempting to sext a random number, which is actually quite a challenge. You can’t just start blurting out sexyness all over the place. You have to be mindful that four-year-olds have cell phones these days, and that some people simply do not appreciate a good sext. On top of that, you have to know how to properly woo your unsuspecting sextual partner. Don’t worry, chance sexting is not to be confused with full on text rape. But that’s enough of that.

Once I had been repeatedly shot down by what was probably a seventy year old woman, I slinked off home to face my to-do list, which now had an addendum that read: change telephone number.  Unfortunately for my to-do list, I caught wind of more friends (insanity!) at a different venue while driving to my apartment and veered off course yet again. This kind of shit just doesn’t happen every day. I had to take advantage.

Many waffle fries and not an ounce of shame later, I finally forced myself home. I walked into my room to spot my bare mattress and proceeded to throw a slight tantrum at the sight of it. I remember grabbing the sheet and pillow cases out of the dryer. I remember stuffing each pillow into its correct sham. I remember beating them smooth. I remember that the comforter was draped securely over the foot of my bed. I even remember laughing at Jack’s lack of disturbance by all of the dismantled bedding.

Then, nothing. No consciousness. No memory.

At some point, in what I assume was the early morning, I awoke. My clothes were on and I was laying backwards in my bed. My head was perfectly placed in the center of my pillow pile at the foot of the bed. I was half way underneath the sheet which never made it to its correctly tucked position. Jack was there,  oblivious as he slept. Groggy, I stood up feeling no sense of time. Where is my phone? Why are all of the lights on?

Then nothing again.

The next time I awoke, I was right side up in my bed with my cell phone neatly plugged into its charger on the dresser next to me but with no alarm set.

Luckily, I woke up naturally in time to dress for work, but the question still remains. What happened to me? I was not intoxicated, nor was I overly exhausted. I am also quite certain that I am not narcoleptic. Did I sleep walk? Did aliens abduct me for a while? Was I roofied by my friends? Where was Keanu? You tell me.

Thanks to everyone who contributed comments on the post in which I greedily begged for post ideas. Y’all are some deep thinking fools. Morpheus would be proud.  

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About becca3416

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on January 22, 2013, in Humor, Silly and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 128 Comments.

  1. Sista Girl, this is kind of scarry. WTF?

  2. I’ll bet someone’s already said “rabbit cookies” to you. Hmmn… Maybe that was the problem? Maybe someone managed to feed you some weed or something?

  3. I’m pretty much thinking it was aliens. You’ll know if they implanted a probe in you the next time you go through the metal detectors at the airport – then you’ll know for sure.

  4. I get the mysterious phone, the lights, the grogginess, and waking up in various positions. I get that. But what kind of people don’t appreciate a good sext? I do not understand this.

  5. How would I know what happened? What am I a psycho?

  6. Cough*inception*cough

  7. Maybe your body just wanted to sleep and it forgot to tell your brain what it was up to. That is pretty crazy though. I like the idea of sexting random people! I might have to try that…

  8. Two things I have never done: 1. roofied someone, 2. watched The Matrix

  9. You had a crazy experience in bed, but you were ALONE?
    I am truly disappointed for both of us, Becca!
    I could have used a good crazy, sexy, “Fifty Shades of Becca” vignette right now…

  10. This is better than the time I woke up inexplicably covered in French fries.

  11. Waffle fries involved, excellent.
    Waking up in strange states of dress, good.
    But still knowing where your pants are?
    Seriously Becca, I think you just aren’t letting us in on certain facts of the story. I never know where my pants are after one of these.
    And it’s part of the fun!

    • Well Guap, pants don’t really matter so much in the plot of this story. Now, if my long johns had been missing, let’s just say I wouldn’t have been the one worried about being kidnapped and tortured.

  12. *best Woody voice* Someone poisoned the waffle fries!!!

  13. First of all, LOVE the new banner.

    Secondly, I’ve had similar fugues after gorging myself senseless on waffle fries. Maybe that’s what happened to you as well. I wouldn’t rule out alien abduction, mainly because you can NEVER rule it out. The other possibility is that the cats slipped you something while you weren’t looking. You know how sneaky they can be.

  14. Is Keanu still alive?
    Once I ate 2 pints of rum raising ice-cream before falling sleep and I don’t even want to remember the kind of nightmares I had.

  15. You think that’s strange, way til you wake up to reality. The same thing happens a lot. That’s pretty freaky.
    I second John’s “rabbit cookies”. My time zone is behind yours so my alternate reality can’t quite keep up and so my comments are also slow to reach you.

  16. Keanu was your guardian angel. Who do you think plugged in your phone and made sure you got home safe…? This actually happened to me the other night. Haha.

  17. i had something like this happen to me once, but i had an explanation. my ex-wife has been taking xanax for about 20 years. after splitting, i found a few of her pills in a travel bag and wondered what they were like. it was a saturday night at about 7, and of course i had nothing else to do, so i took one. i woke up the next morning at about 4am, still dressed, half on the bed and half on the floor. it seemed as if i was at my computer, got drowsy, tried to make it to bed, and only got halfway.

      • that is 33% of my drug experience. i think. i once took a drive through kentucky and met people in a bar who needed someone to fill in for a missing player on their darts team. so i pretended my name was bob and joined the team. later we went to someone’s farmhouse and got high. i woke up the next morning in bed with a woman with a pierced tongue and nipples. nothing hurt or was bleeding, and it was a woman, so i figured it worked out well. i didn’t ask, just found my keys and got the hell out of there.

        another time i was with friends at a beach house at the shore. that’s redundant. anyway, someone had medical marijuana and i tried it. the next thing i remembered, i was outside the house drinking water from a puddle. my friends were standing in front of me and asked “what are you doing?” i said, “i was thirsty.” they said, “get the fuck in the house before a cop sees you.”

  18. “… I fucked off instead.”

    hi. my name is off.

  19. Interesting. Similar but not exactly happened to me once in my youth (looong time ago) but at the time I was heavily intoxicated. The things I remember from the event is like pictures taken with a hard flash: no sense of time and no context. Woke up in my bed, on my back, dressed and with no clue how I got there. If I experience that again, without intoxication I go see the guys with stethoscopes 🙂

    • Black out drinking is one thing… this was different! I guess we will find out if something paranormal or extraterrestrial happened if I start to morph here in a couple of days.

  20. I think aliens abducted you and roofied you. Thats my theory.

  21. Is there a difference between regular sext rape and legitimate sext rape?

  22. If I have a bananaphone will that count as my fruit intake for the day?

  23. Okay, sorry this has nothing to do with your post but I have to seize the opportunity to spread the gospel: For some reason it has become fashionable to hate The Matrix and that is just batshit crazy. Attention everyone: The Matrix kicks ass and always will. It’s a basket of chocolate-chip wonderful muffins. I’m actually doing a post about it soon in a new feature series I’m calling “Wait, We Hate This Now?” (really).

    Anyhoo, by any chance did you go to a magic show where the magician may have messed up? Slipped you a “Forget-Me-Now”?

    • Just to clear up any confusion, I do NOT hate the matrix.

      Now that you mention it, there was a guy who stopped me to tell me that he loved my shoes and shirt, did a hand motion, and walked away before I could say anything. Maybe he put some sort of hex on me. Like a sleeping beauty type thing. I think this means someone has to kiss me.

  24. Druid abduction from the B.C. times…

  25. Only one possible explanation – frustration over the inability to sext a random led you to date rape drug yourself.

  26. You hung out with real live people and your body went into shock mode. It shut down. Trauma does that to people. Stick to your on-line relationships. You’ll find equilibrium again after working through this episode with a therapist. An on-line therapist.

  27. Whiskey used to do that shit to me. So I switched to Tequila.

  28. What’s funny is that the ad at the end of the post right now is describing areas of the brain (memory, speed, attention), but there is no accounting for “post waffle fry time warp,” which I think is just careless on the part of the advertiser. Obviously Keanu is behind this, and you should keep drinking bloody marys until you find him.

  29. What happened? Were you abducted by aliens? Slipped a mickey in with the waffle fries? That’s just weird!

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