Waiting

There is a collection of children’s books that I acquired as a child. I remember precisely what their covers look like and how my mother sounded reading them to me. Some of them I read to myself in ritual fashion. Some of them I read to my Barbies when they weren’t being flung from my ceiling fan. These stories probably had more influence in shaping my young mind than I’ve realized before.

Today I thought about virtues. The image that flashes in my mind is the cover to a book whose home was among the Beanie Babies on a tiny bookshelf in my 6 year old self’s closet. The Book of Virtues. I can see the images in my mind, but for some reason I cannot recite to myself a single story, poem, or line from the book. I can practically smell the thing and feel the gaudy over-sized bow in my hair, but I can’t place a single word.

What can this mean? That I could retain the concept of the importance of milk when giving a mouse a cookie but not a single learned moral quality from this book? Somehow I remember the prevailing quest of Corduroy the bear, the unconditional providing of The Giving Tree, and plights of The Tub People, but I am still at a loss for a mere morsel of the teachings of this “treasury.”

Maybe I don’t remember the character names or rhyming verses, but this book obviously taught me, if nothing else, what an actual virtue is. The general idea. The meaning of the word itself. I know that much. So let’s explore this for a moment.

“Patience is a virtue.” I can hear my mother speaking this phrase just as clearly as I can recall her reading to me from those books.

Patience is not something that I grasp well. I’ve always prided myself in having an extremely level head and impeccable moral compass. Much like Corduroy the bear, I understand the irrelevance of the materialistic. I make it a point to practice the selflessness depicted in The Giving Tree. I even put my drain plug in at all times in case my tub figurines come to life when I am away.

My battle with patience is a vastly different story.

Maybe this stems from the feeling that I have been constantly waiting on something my entire life. Waiting to be old enough to drive. Waiting to go off to college. Waiting to start working. Waiting for relationships to form, for someone to get me, for opportunities and excitement. Waiting for life to happen to me, when really I should have been actively seeking my own life.

Even waiting rooms make me uneasy.

For this reason, when I want something desperately, I have an impossible time waiting to pursue it. To achieve an end result. My type of impatience has evolved in this sense, and it has its very own cycle. It all starts with a vision. An idea. It could be something as simple as deciding that I want to go rollerblading this weekend or as complex as deciding I want to move across the country by the time that I am twenty-five  (25tofly).

The initial phase is raw excitement. It begins as overwhelming, optimistic joy and certainty. However, seeing this idea to fruition is rarely immediate. After a while, anticipation can start to feel less promising and more draining. Sometimes circumstances are such that a goal takes many steps towards achieving. Some steps are less enthralling than others, and these steps take time. For me, that time often passes so slowly that it can be maddening.

It’s as if increasing the time that lapses between the establishment and accomplishment of my goal also increases the likelihood of failure. This isn’t necessarily always the case, yet the anxiety that I associate with the passing of time is unavoidable.

The point is that my impatience is a fear of waiting. Waiting is inevitable, so there is an ultimatum to reach in this cycle. I can allow the frustrations from my impatience to break me, or I can attempt to endure the home stretch. Right now I am approaching that ultimatum. I’m trying to holding out for the home stretch, and it is taking everything I’ve got.

Patience has not been my virtue, but maybe it can be.

Note: This post is out of character, but my goal here was to write something heartfelt instead of pumping out something in my typical style that was unmotivated. I want to extend a special thank you to Rich for talking me through this post and helping me to edit this piece efficiently. My friend, you certainly have no problems with patience.

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New Toy

I haven’t been writing.

This time I am not going to blame writer’s block. I am not even going to blame my blog for taking over and bashing the hell out of me. Actually, I don’t even feel guilty for not writing at this point…

This time, the writing is being vetoed by a much powerful force. I have purchased a new toy. I spent hours in bed with it this weekend to the point of exhaustion. There will certainly be a significant amount of embarrassment upon my next encounter with my neighbors, for they surely overheard my shrieks of  excitement and enjoyment. Even Jack subtly exited the room on several occasions as if  even he was embarrassed for me. I practically needed a “do not disturb” sign.

Whoa. I know you all have your minds on peen today (thanks Clown man), but what kind of gal do you take me for? I am talking about my new HD Webcam and accompanying movie editing software. I have many ideas swarming in my mind right now that it is hard for me to wrangle them all and put them into manageable cubbyholes in my mind. So for now, you can just watch me play with my new toy for about fifteen seconds. After all, that’s about how long it takes to get anyone off, right?

Please note: I am no longer just a pixel of your imagination. There will be much more to come once I master this thing.

5 Healthy Alternatives to The Wall Slide

Believe it or not, I get a little blue from time to time. Surprise! I am human.

Whether the problem be as small as forgetting my lunch at home or as big as struggling to change my career, sometimes it feels good to just sulk for a minute. Just a minute. One. Small. Minute. We need to let ourselves fully feel some of these emotions in order to conquer them.

There is this cliché scene in movies where a character gets overwhelmed and you see them lean up against a door or wall and slide down until they are sitting there on the floor. Dejected. With a sigh and maybe even a face palm. We have all been there. I probably get there at least once a week. No really, I actually perform this dramatic sequence. The wall slide. It actually makes me feel better. But there are other weird ways in which I console myself when I am feeling frustrated, sad, lonely, or beset. Here are five of them that you may recognize as well.

Ariel gets it.

1. Driving just to drive.

Here’s the scenario. I leave an awful day at work. I arrive home and go through the routine: Check mail. Climb stairs. Go run. Feed Jack. Clean up all of the messes Jack made while I was away. Shower. Eat. Get antsy. Feel lonely. Grab keys. Music. Drive. It may not be economical, but it is certainly meditative.

2. Sitting in the shower.

Luckily for me, I have a tiny triangular bench/seat in my shower, so I don’t have to go full on pathetic by squatting or sitting on the drain. You know you have done it. After a stressful day when the water is really hot, you just want that moment where you don’t have to think or do anything or move a muscle (or stand apparently). So you sit. In the shower. Like a kid sitting under a sprinkler but with much less innocence and way more exhaustion. Occasionally beer is involved, as you learned last week.

3. Staring at the ceiling.

Seriously, try it. Lay down diagonally across your bed. Add a medium-speed fan for an even more trance like experience. At this point, you contemplate life and sigh… a lot.

4. Cleaning everything.

This one is for the more aggressive expulsion of bottled up emotions. There is nothing like blaring some Tech N9ne while you scrub the absolute shit out of your base boards, toilet, shower that you sit in, and/or your kitchen. The plus here is that you get to be over-the-top in the non-destructive way. There is nothing like waking up with your eyes swollen from cry-cleaning to the smell of lemon pledge and ammonia.

5. Writing a post about your feelings.

See this post.

Thanks to everyone who gave feedback on Wednesday about the  blogger meet-up. We will be posting an update in the up coming weeks. I really think we can pull this off. If we don’t, I am going to have to find a lot of walls to slide down.

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Blogger Meet Up 2013

I am sure y’all remember that huge (imaginary) New Year’s meet up most of us partook in, even if you “don’t remember”. Although it was almost two months ago, I think it is safe to say its memory is still more enchanting than anyone could have fathomed.

No one remembers this?!

Now, imagine if that had been real life. The sensation you just felt was the process of your mind exploding.  But bare with me here.

Lately, I have noticed that a lot of mystical and cosmic encounters have been occurring among WordPress bloggers. While we were all getting classy-trashy at our party, Tracy spent New Year’s Eve with none other than Le Clown and his troops IRL. Vyvacious got to meet Sweet Mother and the fearless Jillian Levi last month. The same Jillian Levi who got to meet up with Calahan after that. I am still not over that one. Hell, even La La announced at one point that she received some free travel miles and took to Facebook to get suggestions on a destination.

What does this all mean, and why do I feel so left out? Besides the fact that I am totally left out. (I wear my tweets on my sleeve)

I began stewing. After that, I began high jacking Facebook comment threads with jealous rants. Then, I decided to stop pouting and do something about it.

I e-mailed Jen demanding that we organize a blogger meet up for 2013. I’m imagining something out of You’ve Got Mail, only you don’t have to make out with anyone at the end if you don’t want. You also won’t go out of business (if you have one). You will, however, have to know how to spell fox. That’s the secret password to get into the meet up.

Jen then pooped her pants in agreement. Thank god I had some baby wipes handy. We obviously make a great team, so we decided to join forces to make this blorgy happen. We would like to work on getting a census of where everyone is located, come up with a centralized venue that would be ideal for most of the bloggers interested, and of course pick some date(s).

BUT FIRST, we need to find out if this is something in which bloggers out there would actually participate. Are you pooing your pants in excitement like Jen, or would you rather remain loving your blog friends from afar? Much like that really rank smelling, yet extremely sweet and helpful cousin of yours. Maybe you don’t give a shit either way, but please humor us.

If you wouldn’t mind, please take a second and let us know by answering the poll questions below in a comment. Actually, you better do it or else I am going to high jack the comment section of your blog and continuously post Harlem Shake video links until the spam filter catches me. Or something.

To meet or not to meet? That is the question.

1. Would you be interested in attending a blogger meetup?

2. What is the closest metropolitan area to you?

3. If you are down, what other place(s) would you like to have a meetup?

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YouTube Tuesday

I have mentioned before that I stopped doing most of the blog awards and such, but that I do enjoy answering the questions that come along with some of them. So this is my half ass participation for Twindaddy who tagged me. I feel like cattle, but I am going to answer all of your questions with a YouTube Video to pay homage to our weekday theme, YouTube Tuesday. And because you have survived on your snowflake for so long. Have fun.

1. Dogs shouldn’t snore.  Why the hell is my dog snoring? Would you rather this?
2. Describe the most embarrassing moment you ever endured. Usually involves autocorrect.
3. My butt’s numb from sitting here for so long.  Wait, that’s not a question.  You have a wedgie.  Do you take care of immediately or wait until no one will notice you taking care of it? Here is an option. Or ditch the undies all together.
4. A coworker has some nasty body odor.  How do you address the situation? Hire Terry Crews. There is no other option.
5. You just farted.  You are relieved that it wasn’t loud but it quickly becomes apparent that it was SBD.  Do you blame the dog? Ummm.
6. You don’t have a dog.  Who do you blame now? Obviously.
7. Who’s the most hilarious blogger you follow besides me? If you didn’t see this coming, you are dense. 
8. Some dude’s fly is down.  Do you do the considerate thing and tell him or are you too embarrassed to say anything because you’d have to admit you were looking at his junk? Don’t be afraid to basket shop.
9. What is the funniest movie EVAR?? The character named Becca is not me. Don’t freak out.
10. I got so drunk this one time that I actually…. Well if you must know. Just kidding! I haven’t thrown up since I was five. True story.
11. If you could be any species in that galaxy far away, which would it be (yes, I’m referring to Star Wars)? I challenge you with some classic extraterrestrialism. 

There. I made a post. I am off to pat myself on the back and feel accomplished.

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A Valentine’s Day Production

Don’t you hate it when people pronounce Valentine’s as Valentime’s? Don’t you hate it when you have to wait in line forever at the grocery store, because everyone is in front of you with last-minute flowers? Don’t you hate it when people talk about things they hate about Valentine’s Day?

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Well me too, and you wont have to experience any of those things today. Or at least for the next four minutes and thirty-two seconds because…

IT’S TIME TO WITNESS THE V-DAY COLLABORATION OF TWO DESTINED BLOGGERS! 

Who: Adam of My Right to Bitch (also known as: dashing) and me, Becca (also known as: many other nicknames involving the faux color of my hair)!

What: A virtual date!

Where: Right here on this blog, a diamond in the rough sands of this wasteland we call the internet!

When: Right when you click play!

How: Divine intervention!

I used approximately five exclamation marks just now. That is how you know I am beyond stoked about this. So, without further ado or anymore annoying punctuation, here is our vlog baby.

Rate this:

I find this Adam guy quite charming. I like him. You will like him too. We will all like him. Tomorrow is the big day. All of your blogger match-making dreams are coming true. Adam and I are going on a virtual date for Valentine’s Day and things are going to get intense. It will be the best vlog collaboration you’ve seen. And if it isn’t, at least I can tell you that it is better than that show “Next” on MTV. So tomorrow, get ready to sit back, relax, give yourself a rose, and fire up the YouTube machine. It’s on!

Shower Beer

Dude, my blog was kind of an ass last week huh? I finally gained some sort of control. It was actually quite simple to distract my blog so that I could post as me again. I simply opened a movie containing a lot of nudity on Netflix in one tab while I wrote this post in another. Apparently my blog has a problem with the ways in which I unwind in the privacy of my own home, so in spite of my blog hijacking last week, I am going to continue my lush activities. One being the shower beer.

Beaver says… even Michelob Ultra makes a good shower beer.

My coozie says beaver on it. It’s okay to laugh. I know that beavers are totally funny animals in general and really have nothing to do with naked girls taking showers, so I understand how hilarious it is. Beaver.

Now, if you notice in the left photo, I have made sure to censor my entire shoulder and not show any of my armpit either. That would have just been a tease. Plus, I know better than to expose myself like that on the internet. The plus side is that you can still say you have technically seen Becca in the shower. No one will know it was only from my shower beer up.

What is a shower beer you ask? The answer to all of your problems. That’s what. Had a bad day at work? Wash it away while you wash down your favorite lager. Just broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Good, more beer for you and your shower. Didn’t make it to the gym today? Sweat it out under the scalding water with a Bud Select 55 and call it a day.

It isn’t just comforting in times of distress either. You can also resort to a shower beer in times of celebration. Someone bought you a free six-pack? It’s probably because you are charming and worthy, so have that first ice-cold brew under the cascades of your home-made waterfall. Had a sexy day? Make it even sexier with a shower beer. Finally quit your awful day job? Stay in the bathroom until all of the hot water is gone and down as many bottles as you can. You don’t have to wake up tomorrow!

Are you getting the point here? There is never a bad time for this ritual. This is the ultimate indulgence, and the best part is that no one is judging. Your shower head and shampoo bottle will never give you a hard time about downing that pomegranate raspberry Michelob while you scrub your guns and pecs with a pink loofah. You can even enjoy a bath beer in substitution for the shower beer without guilt. It still counts.

If you don’t drink, start drinking. Or as another alternative, grab an O’douls or maybe even a root beer and get naked. Either way, you deserve it.

ADDENDUM: This Thursday is Valentine’s Day. I am sure you are overly aware. The good news is that instead of posting some bitch-fest post, or gushing about a boyfriend, I did something much cooler and way less annoying. I got together with Adam over at My Right to Bitch headquarters, and we came up with a new tradition for the holiday. Be sure to tune in Thursday for our insane collaboration! 

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