Advertisements

Coming Out of The Closet

I’ve been out of the closet for quite some time now. It wasn’t as scary as I originally anticipated either. You have all proven yourselves as very tolerant, understanding, and accepting individuals.

blonde becca

Blonde circa 2007. You can tell by the choker.

Although I have been a fully transitioned ginger for over a year now, I am genetically a blonde. My journey certainly hasn’t been an easy one. Red comes with a price. Today, I’d like to share with you my constant battle to remain blonde free. Some days are better than others, some treatments yield better results than others, and awkwardness often prevails. This is my story.

Calling to make the appointments is easy, despite the receptionist’s thick accent that makes her sound like a character from a James Bond movie. I dread the actual appointment as equally as I look forward to it. It’s always a little better if I can score a time slot in the afternoon, as the only day I can go for treatment is on Saturdays. I’m not a morning person.

There are many challenges to face throughout the time spent in the salon. It all starts with the smocks. There is a tiny closet in the back right room of the salon where other women are reading about 2005’s Oscar winners and having their scalps burned off. The smock closet is always closed, never ajar. This only serves to conjure up the unnerving uncertainty as to whether someone is already in there. All naked and stuff. It’s like awkward roulette.

Once I have successfully and subtly adorned my smock managing to keep all of my clothes on, I get into the patient client chair. This is when my stylist asks me if I would like something to drink. A lovely gesture one would assume, no? No. Salons don’t believe in Diet Coke, and I had to learn this lesson quickly in order to avoid the looks of disdain and confusion at the fact that I didn’t request a Pellegrino. I remember feeling like I had asked for a bump of cocaine in the middle of church. Also, my stylist is a goldfish.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“No thank you, I am fine.”

“Okay, what are we doing today?”

“Same drill.”

“Red? Okay sweetie, let me just go mix it up.”

“Sure.”

“Would you like something to drink?”

“I’m fine, really.”

“Okay sweetie, I’ll be right back.”

“Alrighty.”

popping her head out from the back room “Would you like some sparkling water?”

pellegrino water

No means no.

For some reason she seems resistant to the word “no.” I do not go to these appointments to cure my dehydration. I go to remove my soul and bring out my eyes. Now start slapping that acid on my head. At least that is what the mixture can feel like. It isn’t that it burns my skin as much as it makes me cry uglier than Kim Kardashian. Then there are the fumes. It’s like smoking a block of chlorine while chewing on ammonia gum. Oh, but it is totally ammonia free. Totally. So what the hell is that smell?

After I feel as though I have a small child hanging from the back of my head, I wait. As I am looking at myself in the mirror I am thinking, “This doesn’t look like the same color as last time. Is this even red? It looks more like elephant turd.” I try to resist the urge to use the towel wrapped around my neck to scrub the specks of dye off of my cheek where my stylist got sloppy. If this was really anything like medical treatment, I would surely be long dead from air bubbles in my IV by now.

With all suffering, eventually comes relief. Then comes more pain, a little bit of inappropriate arousal, and a dash of sleepiness. These all occur during the shampooing and drying phase of my treatment. As soon as I sit in the sink-chair and place my fragile neck on that cold, hard lip, I immediately begin to squirm. If there is one invention in the world that was not created with the customer in mind, it is these torturous sinks. If I ever wake up in a scene from the movie Saw, I know I would rather saw my foot off than to sit with my head full of heavy, wet hair in that vice for more than five minutes. I won’t even begin to get in to the water temperature dance.

Let’s move on to the arousal. I know it’s the part you really want to hear anyway. Besides the decapitating sinks, the employees do a nice job trying to make you as comfortable and relaxed as possible. Maybe a little too comfortable. There is a point during the shampooing when things get kind of… intimate. There is a scalp massage involved, which feels great and isn’t overly sensual. But then this one chick always starts slowly rubbing my ears, down to my neck, and for just a few seconds too long. She lingers, and I am left sitting there trying to think about baseball or cleaning up Jack’s puke.

Lady boner

It must be hard having a penis.

Finally, after I consider but ultimately shut down the idea that I am gay, my stylist begins to blow dry my hair. By this point, I am quite spent from all of that erotic scalp petting, and I usually can not keep my eyelids open. The good thing about the final process to my treatment is that small talk is no longer enforced. I can finally breathe. It is over.

By the end of my appointment, I have successfully reinstated my ginger status. Well, at least for about four to six weeks until my blonde starts flaring up again.

DON’T LEAVE YET — Have you ever wondered about the history and psychological reasoning behind my long john obsession? Well, I did an intensive therapy session interview with David (aka MrMary) of ASpoonfullofSuga that you might want to check out here

becca cord signature

Advertisements

About becca3416

Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.

Posted on March 25, 2013, in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 114 Comments.

  1. I was blonde once. It’s now something between mousey and light brown, but in the right light it looks a bit red (if you’re say, drunk and squinting).

    I have dyed my hair an assortment of shades of red, and I did once try to dye it blue but it mostly went green. Fortunately that washed out quite quickly!

    Now, the most exciting thing I can do with it is tie it up or cut it, and one of the senior sisters said earlier today that she hates it when I wear it loose when we’re on a space day (which is our day off, once a week – unless I’m having a retreat day that particular week when I’ll have it tied up). I’m planning on keeping it long, it’s just easier to deal with! Plus, I’ve already decided that should I not stay in the order, then I will be dying it more interesting colours – well, maybe black and red, and that’s red as in “pillar box” or “london bus”, not ginger!

  2. Loved it! Made me laugh and think…is this why when I do dye hair, I do it myself? So I don’t get turned on by head massage? Hmmm..one does ponder! I love the ginger, it suits you! Ps. Being that my mom is of Finnish decent, I have natural blonde as well 🙂

  3. The red looks gorgeous on you! It seems that many ladies who aren’t natural redheads do it great justice (Emma Stone, Lucille Ball, yourself included). I’ve used box color to go the red-route, mostly because I have a fear of hairdressers (terrible story). I’ve long debated going a more bold version with my brown locks, and you’ve inspired me to debate it further! ;]

  4. As a blonde who has long thought about going ginger, this has simultaneously deterred me and encouraged me. My confusion might have had something to do with the scalp burning followed by the massage.

    • It’s not that bad. I have never seen your face, but something tells me you would wear it well! Watch out for the mob of boys coming after you when you walk out of the salon though… 😉

  5. Gotta say I dig the red better, but I’ve been on a ginger kick lately. I’m with you on the scalp massage thing, too. I once had a smoking hot dentist who used to do a quick little jaw massage. I had fantasies of getting laughing gas and then waking up with my pants unbuckled. TMI?

    btw – I also had my own coming out of the closet revelation – http://foodandwinehedonist.com/2013/03/27/i-have-a-major-confession-to-make/

  6. Rohan 7 Things

    Ooh I love a good head massage! That’s great value you know, going in to get your hair done and you get a bonus, sensual scalp and ear rub! Okay so the ears thing might be pushing it, I’m amusing you don’t have any hair there…right?

    Still can’t believe someone would choose to go ginger, I guess the tides are shifting. Thank you Robert Grint!!

    Great post 🙂

    Rohan.

  7. I’m a natural red, Becca and I go for brown. Not saying that I’m bright red (like my grandfather) but I’m a red highlight girl. When I don’t dye it brown and I’m in the sun people say ‘have you put red through your hair?’ LOL 😀

    I love ‘elephant turd’ colour – gave me a great chuckle 😉

  8. Oh man, now I wish my husband were here after reading that… I not only get awesome arousal inducing head massage but they chair as well. They wouldn’t let me stay there though, pity.

  9. “I go to remove my soul and bring out my eyes.” Now I have to go look up that ginger kid’s video hahaha! Best one-liner of the day so far. It is early, but I’m confident it will hold up. I dig the red, but you were (are?) a pretty hot blonde too!

    Hairgasm. That just came to me. You’re welcome.

  10. I am a natural blonde and have been red, black, brown and even purple. Do you find that the blonde regrowth starts looking like a bald patch? That’s always a clear sign for me that I need to get my hair redone!
    I have been considering going back to red as well – you wear it well lady. Jealous.

    • Purple?! Awesome! I remember desperately wanting to dye my hair pink in high school. Kind of like an Avril Lavigne look. My mom crushed that dream pretty quickly.

      I think I know what you mean by it looking like a bald patch. The faded blonde is such a blah color, but I hated highlighting it. I much prefer a solid color. Thanks for the compliment, but I am staring at your gravatar wondering why my hair couldn’t have been that pretty blonde.

  11. You’re lucky you can go either way, Becca. You look great red or blond. I tried red once, quite by accident…uh, no good! I stick with brown. And, yes I’m familiar with the scalp massage. It’s kind of the best part, although you would never admit it. Okay, it’s our secret.

    • Thanks! I doubt I will ever go back to the blonde, but you never know. You tried red by accident? I’m curious…

      Although, I must say I stumbled onto red by somewhat of an accident as well. When I first dyed my hair anything other than blonde, I really just wanted to go brown. I must have said the word “auburn” and the next thing you know I was the Little Mermaid. Apparently auburn is more red than brown. Who knew?

  12. It’s official, Becca: you can elevate any event to earth-shattering greatness.
    Well done once again.

  13. Very entertaining, Becca. I’ve tried slightly red shades, but never went full red. Hubby loves your hair color and really wants me to go there.

    You made me sleepy just thinking about having to sit for five minutes or more with my head hanging in that horrible sink. And sometimes, my stylist would put me under the dryer for the color to “cure.” There was no staying awake there.

    Permanent hair color is such a lie.

    • Lies. All lies Maddie! But obviously we are too smart for them. Or not so smart since we keep subjecting ourselves to the torture and misleading products? Who cares, I would love to see you with some red!

  14. So how do you answer the question:

    “Does the carpet match the drapes?”

    Because I feel like it’s a weird obsession with some guys to tame the firecrotch.

    That is what you call genuine red-heads by the way. FIRECROTCH.

    And now I will proceed to chuckle for at least 30-60 seconds.

  15. I know exactly what you go through, Becca. Completely. Only I went blond rather than go the other way.

  16. Red definitely compliments your skin tone better.
    So far, I’ve been able to pull of black, red and blond. I’m ahead of you by 2!

    • Whaaaaaa????!

      Calahan, a BLOND? How do we get you to post a picture of this? I have only been the two colors, but I will tell you this little story: When I was about 16 years old I dyed a whole strip of my hair black. I would wrap just that strand around a side pony tail so it looked like my hair was holding it tied up. It was so badass. My mom didn’t think the same, unfortunately.

  17. I hate those sinks. When I was a kid I actually convinced my mom I didn’t need a haircut for two years because I hated those sinks so much. Now I just dye my hair at home. Balla.

    • I commend you for braving the at home dye job. I did it twice and threw in the towel. I kept ending up with missed patches and what looked like a murder scene in my bathroom.

      We need to invent a more comfortable salon sink. We would make bank, right?!

  18. People pay a ton of money to go blonde, and you pay money to go in another direction. I have naturally curly/wavy hair, and it makes me laugh when I hear about people spending half an hour taking a curling barrel to their locks. I’d give anything to have super straight hair.

    You look good either way!

  19. I like that you came out. Kuddos! I would like it more if you were a natural ginger, but not everyone gets my coveted approval 😉 I don’t get a lady boner while shampooing, rather I get irritated that there is water in my ears.

    • I don’t mind the water in my ears so much, but I do hate it when the mist gets all over my face. I’ll go in with a decent eyeliner job and come out looking like a melting Cruella Deville.

      Okay, that is a huge exaggeration, but you get the idea :).

      • I don’t think that’s an exaggeration, at all. That happened to me at the dentist a couple of weeks ago. She mystified me! I had little white crusty stuff all over my face!

        • Ha! The Dentist can be the worst too when it comes to getting… sprayed. Especially if you are like me and can’t figure out how to properly close your mouth around the suction tool they use. Facepalm!!!

          • it’s so awkward when they fill your mouth with water, tell you to rinse and then use the suction tool all while flat on your back….

          • The whole dentist experience seems extremely dangerous. I mean one slip of a finger and you have a long metal stick with a hook on the end lodged in your throat. I don’t even want to think about it!

  20. I adore your hair!!!! My sister cuts my hair now, but I knooooow about those head massages by the hairdresser. Hehe.

    • I think it is both hilarious and outstanding that it seems all of us girls have this same reaction to the head massages.

      P.S. You have some gorgeous hair too! Your sister must do a great job!

      • Aw thank you!! I’m happy she can cut my hair as it’s quite a lot of money to spend on a regularly basis. Don’t tell my sister that though…hehe. My hairdresser is so sweet, but he has a “long hair” charge and he charges it twice for me. I do get a discount, but in the end I pay around $80 for simple layers. So for now, my sister can help me out haha.

        • Long hair charge?! Oh I hope my salon doesn’t implement that. I’m paying over a bill for a cut and color as it is, and I have a lot of hair too! I don’t have a sister, but I should start outsourcing my beauty savvy friends ;).

          • Just stare and threaten them with a vlog if they ever think about implementing it! It’s rude, but my hair was always just above my butt, so in a way I could understand it…but STILL! Rude. Hmm maybe I could ship my sister to you…hehe 🙂

          • Vlogs are the ultimate weapon in disguise! Good call!

  21. *sighs* The burden of keeping this secret was killing me. I’m glad you finally came out of the closet. Thank you.

  22. I went red for a couple years and I loved it. I was looking at pictures lately and would really like to go back. But the maintenance! My god. It faded so fast and I would try to wash my hair less often to make it last longer so my hair was greasy all the time. But this will be task one when I get a personal stylist.

  23. The sacrifices we make for beauty! LOL!

  24. I’m naturally bald. Then I had hair grow in when I was a few weeks old.

    I’ve never dyed my hair. Only used colored gel. Red was my color choice. It stands out so I get why you’d go with it. This was also before being a redhead was a really bad thing. Pete & Pete were still fresh enough in our minds, only 10 years off the air. Plus I would spike my hair. I need to get my mohawk again.

    You and Lily in Canada should totally start a natural blonde club.

  25. I only ever go to get my hair cut. That alone is stressful. ‘What if she cuts it too short?! What if it does that weird poodle thing again? What if she gets too scissor happy and chops it all off?!!’ Coloring would be too much for me to handle

    • Actually I think cutting is way more of a brave change. I mean you can always fix a bad dye job somewhat immediately. If you cut your hair and it looks bad it could take months to grow back correctly. I guess that is why I have had the same hair style since birth. Trims only please.

  26. You look great either way! So not fair! I can totally relate the scalp massage, but even more to the not being able to keep my eyes open during the blow dry portion. Maybe a cigarette after the scalp massage in order! 😉

  27. Ashley Austrew

    If we didn’t live in different states, I’d be totally convinced that we go to the same salon. My hairdresser is always like, “Are you sure you don’t want anything? Water, hot tea, coffee? Are you sure??” And then that scalp massage. Oh my god, I loathe it. We’re both just silent knowing what’s happening and knowing it’s so weird but not really acknowledging it. It’s the most awkward time of my life.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing, I feel so much better now knowing that someone else out there is experiencing this.

    • I know! I am sitting there thinking, “Is she feeling as weirdly awesome about this as I am? If I close my eyes will she think I am basking in the pleasure? Or, should I make eye contact? No dumbass, that’s like awkward overload.”

      I am glad you gals understand, and I am not just a freak. 🙂

  28. Becca, just so we’re clear, my barber serves PBR and it’s so look nice and cold. oh and they don’t allow women, redhead or otherwise. Don’t those fancy salons usually have wine available?

    • Some of them I have been to do serve some sort of alcohol, but it is always like a white win wine spritzer, mimosa, or some other weak girly drink. Nothing wrong there, I just don’t like that shit. Someone give me a glass of Cabernet or a Jameson on the rocks. Or a beer.

      • If you’re ever on the west coast, home bar top shelf for the Jameson.

          • My home bar. Top shelf. I’m not cutting your hair, though. I’ll just hold it if you puke (and simultaneously take a picture to laugh about).

            So lame that they don’t have at least some red wine. I’d go back to a hairstylist if they didn’t cost a damn arm and a leg.

          • That’s what I thought you meant. Just remember you told me that when you wake up at 2 am one morning and I am rummaging through your cabinets singing the Pina Colada song to myself.

            The cost is outrageous. It sucks. But I am too lazy when it comes to my hair to do it myself. Although, I do give myself credit for trying a few times.

  29. When they wash my hair, and the shampoo tech is really getting in there, I’m scared my foot is going to start going like a happy dog. That’s how good that shit makes me feel.

    Love the blonde, by the way. Red is better!

  30. I go every six weeks to have my gray covered up. I don’t know why. Vanity, I suppose. We don’t do much small talk, fortunately. Everybody leaves me alone. I get my hair trimmed, too. And highlighted every 12 weeks. Oh the vanity!

  31. OMG! I’m so sorry – I’ll start typing my blog posts slower from now on.

  32. Being a man has its advantages I guess. I just go to the “hair stylist” once every three weeks to a month get my 10 hairs cut and leave. Sounds painful to have that red glow of soullesness.

  33. I hate going to a high end salon…but the woman that cuts my hair is fabbo – and she knows I abhor small talk. But I refuse to spend money on dying my hair – especially when it’s short. I’m cheap that way 🙂

    I do concur regarding the head massage… once I had a fabulous & gorgeous male hair-washer/erotic masseuse… I had a hard time standing up right after…hee hee… I gave him an EXTRA big tip…

  34. Boom–that’s it. Now you can never go back to blonde. Red suits you too well. Great post!

  35. Going from having one’s hair cut by an aftershave-reeking man named Henry to a salon having hair styled by a woman who looks like a slightly haggard Pat Benatar and smelling like honey — one of life’s great transitions for many a young man. This is why they make those frocks so long.

  36. Maybe I’m being naive here, but what’s a lady boner?

  37. Oh my little fake ginger root, I always had my suspicions, but I wanted to let you come out on your own terms.

    • I’ve mentioned it before here and there, but I never told the grueling battle of becoming my true red headed self. People may think I am a fraud, but just because my biological make-up got my hair color wrong doesn’t mean I can’t try to outsmart it.

  38. Becca, I know those head massages you’re referring to. That’s why I love going to the salon. It’s the only time I can squeeze in a nap! By the way, it looks like your choker came right out my jewelry box. My husband doesn’t understand why these necklaces went out of style?

    • I bet the whole salon thinks I have narcolepsy Anka! I agree on the napping.

      I loved chokers. I almost never left the house without one on. I would cut up my tights back in my dancing days and wear them as chokers (like the one in the picture… that’s totally black tights).

      I think your husband is a smart man. I would still wear them if people wouldn’t make fun of me.

  39. You really do ginger justice, but I’m completely jealz that that’s your natural color! Gorgeous.

    Ug, I HATE the shampoo stage, but it’s probably just because of my shame over my lady boner.

    • We should embrace the lady boner. Just not in public.

      I enjoyed the 23 years I spent as a blonde, but with age the blonde starts to look like mousey brown instead of all goldilocks. You have great color. Blonde suites you Jules.

  40. this was my favorite line: “I go to remove my soul and bring out my eyes.”

Talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: