Coming Out of The Closet
Posted by becca3416
I’ve been out of the closet for quite some time now. It wasn’t as scary as I originally anticipated either. You have all proven yourselves as very tolerant, understanding, and accepting individuals.
Although I have been a fully transitioned ginger for over a year now, I am genetically a blonde. My journey certainly hasn’t been an easy one. Red comes with a price. Today, I’d like to share with you my constant battle to remain blonde free. Some days are better than others, some treatments yield better results than others, and awkwardness often prevails. This is my story.
Calling to make the appointments is easy, despite the receptionist’s thick accent that makes her sound like a character from a James Bond movie. I dread the actual appointment as equally as I look forward to it. It’s always a little better if I can score a time slot in the afternoon, as the only day I can go for treatment is on Saturdays. I’m not a morning person.
There are many challenges to face throughout the time spent in the salon. It all starts with the smocks. There is a tiny closet in the back right room of the salon where other women are reading about 2005’s Oscar winners and having their scalps burned off. The smock closet is always closed, never ajar. This only serves to conjure up the unnerving uncertainty as to whether someone is already in there. All naked and stuff. It’s like awkward roulette.
Once I have successfully and subtly adorned my smock managing to keep all of my clothes on, I get into the
patient client chair. This is when my stylist asks me if I would like something to drink. A lovely gesture one would assume, no? No. Salons don’t believe in Diet Coke, and I had to learn this lesson quickly in order to avoid the looks of disdain and confusion at the fact that I didn’t request a Pellegrino. I remember feeling like I had asked for a bump of cocaine in the middle of church. Also, my stylist is a goldfish.
“Would you like something to drink?”
“No thank you, I am fine.”
“Okay, what are we doing today?”
“Red? Okay sweetie, let me just go mix it up.”
“Would you like something to drink?”
“I’m fine, really.”
“Okay sweetie, I’ll be right back.”
popping her head out from the back room “Would you like some sparkling water?”
For some reason she seems resistant to the word “no.” I do not go to these appointments to cure my dehydration. I go to remove my soul and bring out my eyes. Now start slapping that acid on my head. At least that is what the mixture can feel like. It isn’t that it burns my skin as much as it makes me cry uglier than Kim Kardashian. Then there are the fumes. It’s like smoking a block of chlorine while chewing on ammonia gum. Oh, but it is totally ammonia free. Totally. So what the hell is that smell?
After I feel as though I have a small child hanging from the back of my head, I wait. As I am looking at myself in the mirror I am thinking, “This doesn’t look like the same color as last time. Is this even red? It looks more like elephant turd.” I try to resist the urge to use the towel wrapped around my neck to scrub the specks of dye off of my cheek where my stylist got sloppy. If this was really anything like medical treatment, I would surely be long dead from air bubbles in my IV by now.
With all suffering, eventually comes relief. Then comes more pain, a little bit of inappropriate arousal, and a dash of sleepiness. These all occur during the shampooing and drying phase of my treatment. As soon as I sit in the sink-chair and place my fragile neck on that cold, hard lip, I immediately begin to squirm. If there is one invention in the world that was not created with the customer in mind, it is these torturous sinks. If I ever wake up in a scene from the movie Saw, I know I would rather saw my foot off than to sit with my head full of heavy, wet hair in that vice for more than five minutes. I won’t even begin to get in to the water temperature dance.
Let’s move on to the arousal. I know it’s the part you really want to hear anyway. Besides the decapitating sinks, the employees do a nice job trying to make you as comfortable and relaxed as possible. Maybe a little too comfortable. There is a point during the shampooing when things get kind of… intimate. There is a scalp massage involved, which feels great and isn’t overly sensual. But then this one chick always starts slowly rubbing my ears, down to my neck, and for just a few seconds too long. She lingers, and I am left sitting there trying to think about baseball or cleaning up Jack’s puke.
Finally, after I consider but ultimately shut down the idea that I am gay, my stylist begins to blow dry my hair. By this point, I am quite spent from all of that erotic scalp petting, and I usually can not keep my eyelids open. The good thing about the final process to my treatment is that small talk is no longer enforced. I can finally breathe. It is over.
By the end of my appointment, I have successfully reinstated my ginger status. Well, at least for about four to six weeks until my blonde starts flaring up again.
DON’T LEAVE YET — Have you ever wondered about the history and psychological reasoning behind my long john obsession? Well, I did an intensive
therapy session interview with David (aka MrMary) of ASpoonfullofSuga that you might want to check out here.
- Haircare Tips: Healthy Hair (tenielguy.wordpress.com)
- Organic Hair Dyes: Lighten Your Locks Naturally! (myessentia.com)
- Jennifer Lawrence’s Brown Hair – Get The Oscar Winner’s New Dark Look (hollywoodlife.com)
About becca3416Becca Cord is a twenty-something year old southern ballerina turned humor writer and video editor. Having lived in Louisiana her entire life, she is now perusing her travel dreams while starting her own free-lance Web Marketing business and organizing a nation wide blogging event, Blogger Interactive. She believes one of her callings is making people laugh, and she intends to do so. You can find Becca on her personal blog, Facebook page, or Twitter @becca25tofly.
Posted on March 25, 2013, in Humor and tagged 25tofly, ammonia free hair dye, awkward hair salon story, Becca Cord, becca cord as a blonde, Blond, coming out, dying your hair red, funny blog about hair dye, gay, ginger, Hair, Hair coloring, head massage, health, humor blog by a redhead, Kim Kardashian, lesbian, life, my hairdresser turned me gay, redhead, scalp massage, who looks good as a red head?, WordPress, Writing. Bookmark the permalink. 114 Comments.