New Toy

I haven’t been writing.

This time I am not going to blame writer’s block. I am not even going to blame my blog for taking over and bashing the hell out of me. Actually, I don’t even feel guilty for not writing at this point…

This time, the writing is being vetoed by a much powerful force. I have purchased a new toy. I spent hours in bed with it this weekend to the point of exhaustion. There will certainly be a significant amount of embarrassment upon my next encounter with my neighbors, for they surely overheard my shrieks of  excitement and enjoyment. Even Jack subtly exited the room on several occasions as if  even he was embarrassed for me. I practically needed a “do not disturb” sign.

Whoa. I know you all have your minds on peen today (thanks Clown man), but what kind of gal do you take me for? I am talking about my new HD Webcam and accompanying movie editing software. I have many ideas swarming in my mind right now that it is hard for me to wrangle them all and put them into manageable cubbyholes in my mind. So for now, you can just watch me play with my new toy for about fifteen seconds. After all, that’s about how long it takes to get anyone off, right?

Please note: I am no longer just a pixel of your imagination. There will be much more to come once I master this thing.

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Who Are You Ty Ling?

Apparently, according to Google translate, Ty Ling translates precisely to “Ty Ling” in English. I assume from this in-depth research that Ty Ling is not a phrase, adjective, verb, or even just a noun. It is a proper noun. A name. But who are you Ty Ling?

Recently, I have posted a few fortunes on my Twitter feed that I particularly enjoyed. Today for your entertainment, I will share with you my insight into this Ty Ling character, which I acquired by finishing off the box of his or her fortune cookies last night for dinner.  

Ty Ling… Bigs? I have got to work on my product placement.

Fortune # 1: “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”

What is impossible, Ty Ling, is how you got those slivers of paper into those cookies without fusing the two together during baking, or without breaking the cookie post bake. If they are even baked at all. Fun for you, sure. Mind boggling for me.

Fortune # 2: “Made in USA.”

You cheeky bastard, Ty Ling. This is my show, stop stealing it.

Fortune # 3: “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”

Really, Ty Ling? I bet that people wouldn’t agree with the same concept regarding babies. But thanks. I guess.

Fortune # 4: MIA

I guess you forgot to work your magic on that one, Ty. 

Fortune # 5: “Love is as necessary to human beings as food and shelter.”

You are throwing curve balls now, Ling. I have no clue where you get this shit. 

Fortune # 6: “Friendship is an ocean that you cannot see the bottom.”

False. I’ve seen all of my true friends’ asses.

Fortune # 7: “Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish.”

This is not even a fortune. It’s simply sound advice. But, I do love salmon, so thanks.

If I have learned nothing else by this experiment, it is that Ty Ling is a sassy individual, and that his or her fortune cookies have the nutritional value just shy of cardboard sprinkled with nine grams of sugar.

Bonus nutritional fact: Fortune cookies contain zero milligrams of cholesterol but five-cookies-per-110-calorie-serving worth of blog material. They are a bargain.

How would your perfect fortune read?

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Hey You, I Think You’re Fly

People get down. People get irrational thoughts when they are down. People either break, or get through it. This weekend I thought a lot about two people. Tracy Fulks and Wayne. They both have overcome some things that are pretty much equivalent to that asteroid Bruce Willis had to blow up. I will stay firm in my belief that this is why the world didn’t end. Owe you one, Bruce. Anyway, I just wanted to recognize that there are some strong people around here. I look up to those people. Thinking about their battles and triumphs stops me when I begin to sulk over the petty.

Wayne gave me two awards recently which really boosted me, but I haven’t been able to participate in keeping those going. I think I made a subconscious decision not to participate in those anymore simply because I have too much already planned to work on. I feel a bit bad about this.

I am still proud of my mistletoe placement.

So here is what I am going to do. I am giving Wayne and Tracey my own personal award. The Fly Blog Award (holiday style). I am also giving it to Jillian, because she is one of the most supportive bloggers ever, and I know she will appreciate it.  Basically, you can do whatever you want with the blabel. Use it as media in a post, put it on your sidebar, laugh at it and walk away, whatever. But, those are my own real long johns in the background, so treat them with care. Don’t worry, you don’t have to kiss anyone’s crotch either. Unless you want to…

You can pass it on or not. If you chose to pass it along, there are no award rules except that you can only pass it to one person that embodies your definition of fly. Give that person the spotlight they deserve. You don’t have to answer any questions, thank me personally on your blog, or link back to me.

Unconventional Love Affair # 47

Are you ready for a guessing game? I thought so. I could feel it. And plus, I heard Le Clown was planning some sort of  game tomorrow (for his own sick entertainment no doubt), so I figured I’d help you get warmed up.

This magnifying glass is doing nothing for my lack of eyeballs. Hmph.

I want you to guess what inanimate object I am balls deep in love with right now. Le Clown, you can’t play. You know why. Whoever guesses right FIRST will win a creative shout out in my Movember contest winners announcement video. God I am generous. Here are the clues:

1. There is a hint in this blog post’s title.

2. My thumbs are sore.

3. I am not a man.
     But with this I can pretend.
     Haiku styled hint.

4. When I am around it I don’t blink.

5. Like my Facebook page. There is possibly a huge hint there. If you can find it.

Good luck my smart little puppets! Leave your guesses in the comments!

* Tomorrow is the last day of Movember! Just one last reminder. Don’t forget to check the list if you entered my contest!*

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The Music of Mustache Make-Outs

Ever since Daan van den Bergh pooped out a glittery faberge egg for me on Twitter, then promoted me to the position of his official sound editor for his blog, I have been skipping like a leprechaun everywhere I go. I am mostly just impressed with him and his wife’s clay molding skills. Oh, and somehow he also talked me into being a make-out whore. I’ll let him explain…

It’s me, Daan.

Obviously it is the month for Movember. To those of you, who don’t know what that is, I am assuming that you are a newcomer and/or are living under a rock.  Read this post. Enlighten yourself.

Now, I want to tell you a story. I’m going to ask you to close your eyes while I tell the story. No, wait. I’m not actually talking. Just read it.

This is a story about an upper-lip enjoying a regular shave, a daily smooth-cut with sometimes a day or two in between. Eleven months pass by as suddenly November races up. The world gets darker each day as a carpet of thick, pointy hair consumes the upper-lip. Can you see it? It’s entangled in wire, caught unwillingly, all alone in the darkness. Can you? I want you to picture that upper-lip.

Now imagine that upper-lip is you.

So, I asked myself: what can I do to make these upper lips feel less lonely? What do you do when a guy feels bad? According to pop psychology, you either take him to a strip club or get him a hooker. I can’t help all of them and although prostitution is legal in my awesome country, it isn’t in the rest of the world. So I needed to come up with an alternative.

That’s why I got the Sound Editor of I Fkkn Rokk Studios (which happens to be the owner of this blog – happy coincidence!) to make-out with the 10 most ridiculous mustaches and share with us what it sounded like!

You’re welcome. Back to you, Becca.

Polls Are Not For Strippers

Movember is coasting along nicely as we approach the half way mark. Wait, what? November is almost half way over already? I suppose time flies when you’re saving balls. Everyone needs to go read the latest Movember update by Madame Weebles. If you have registered for the US Bloggers for Movember team and haven’t made your donation yet to try your luck at winning a spot on my banner, you only have a few weeks left to do so. Do I need to light a fire under your ass? You know that’s how Le Clown got his blog name, right?

I’d also like to suggest that y’all read Jason’s Movember post. Although he may end up with a serious case of blue balls by the end of the month, at least he will have healthy blue balls. Now that’s sacrifice.

Poor Jason

On a third note, I am starting to get jealous of all the budding mustaches the guys are showing off. I am ready to get my fake mustache on. My sophisticated drumstache was featured in Open Concept’s music video inspired by Movember, but now it is time for the official 25tofly Movember ‘stache. But of what shall my mouth wreath be constructed?  I want you to decide.

Please vote in the poll below to seal my mustache fate. You can vote up until this Saturday, November 17th at midnight. Come Sunday, I will prepare the winning mustache and commence the camera phone action. Then on Monday, I will post the photo of my sexiest mustache face on the Bloggers for Movember Facebook page. Choose wisely, or tell me your own idea.

Also, please stay tuned Friday for my own version of “Faddah Friday” inspired by none other than Brother Jon.

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What a Tease!

As y’all can see, the bannerific Movember prize teaser is up and shaking its ass for you. Please do not throw ones at it. Instead, take those dollars and donate them to the US bloggers for Movember team. Again, all you have to do to compete for one of those handsome looking mustached positions on my banner is click the Movember button to the right in my sidebar. It will lead you to the original contest announcement post which includes the US team page link where you can register to become a team member (easy as a prostitute) and donate any amount you want.

Again, come the end of November and out of all of the registered members who donate to the US team, four will be chosen at random and illustrated along side of me on my banner (created by the charming dashing smashing Mr. Tim). You will also win a spot on an added page link at the top of 25tofly that will recognize you as a winner and spotlight your blog… indefinitely! Remember that you can also get your name entered twice in the drawing by “Liking” the Bloggers for Movember Facebook page on top of joining and donating. Just be sure to let me know that you have done both.

I never thought I would feel so passionately about a cause like this, but it feels great to think that I can help make a difference. I give special thanks to the team of people who trusted letting me participate in this thing. I can’t wait to see the final result of this project.  In the meantime, be sure to stay tuned in on the Facebook page for links to all of the outstanding Movember blog posts throughout the month. From serious to side-splitting, some truly incredible stories by some amazing writers are being shared. Don’t miss out.

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Movember is Not About Landscaping

When I heard about Movember, I was sure it was all about some gang of hardcore landscapers ready to pull their rip-cords and just start weed whacking their way across the country.It is not. No one likes to mow that much.

I know he doesn’t need much of an introduction with you regulars in this blog land, but a certain Le Clown has kindly invited me to learn what Movember really is all about and extended an opportunity for me to help spread the word along with a few others. Let’s get ‘er done y’all.

Movember is a cause for men’s health and more specifically a platform for raising awareness about prostate and testicular cancer. The idea is to draw attention to the cause by encouraging the growth of glorious mustaches throughout the month of November. Obviously, Le Clown knows a thing or two about strategy, because I believe he used his knowledge of my obsession with facial hair to lure me in to this project. Where else would I rather be but smack dab in the middle of a bunch of blossoming mouth brows?

If you can’t physically grow a ‘stache, you should just go cry, because facial hair is the bees knees. I am only kidding, there are many other ways to support Movember should you be mustache growingly challenged. Here are some options:

• Re-blog this or Le Clown’s or any post about Movember.
• Grab that sexy badge up there and post it to your blog sidebar or wherever floats your boat.
• Tweet it up
• Write your own post about Movember or an experience you have had dealing with testicular cancer.
• Like the Bloggers for Movember Facebook page.
• Make a donation under the Bloggers for Movember team. (Click here to join if in the US and here to join for Canada)
• Make out with someone with a mustache (pics or it didn’t happen!).

The more mustaches the merrier, so get ready. Movember is just around the corner.

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