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Brain Putty

Today, I had somewhere to be. Today, I planned to get up early, shower, put on a nice pair of dress pants and a top that says “I’m important” and print out a crisp resume. Today, I went in search of part-time work.

I woke up promptly to my alarm. I only snoozed three times, which had me impressed with me already. Unfortunately, the rest went south quickly. Kind of like it did for that reptilian intruder Jack gobbled down with delight right in front of my face the other day. Cats, what are you going to do right? At least I didn’t have to touch it.

I rolled out of bed to head for the shower. I reached for my bedside lamp.

Click. Click, click. Shit, no spare light bulbs. Oh well.

As I sauntered into the bathroom ready to get my fresh and clean on, a similar instance occurred.

Click. Click, click. Shit, these light bulbs too? That’s a bizarre set of coincidental light bulb failures.

Why I didn’t immediately realize that the power was mysteriously out is beyond me. Brain putty. Regardless, I gathered three candles from the kitchen, lit them, and arranged them on the toilet tank before turning on the water. I’ll tell you this, showers by candlelight at 9 am can go one of two ways, and weirdly in my case, both ways at once. One outcome ends in you feeling very romantically appreciated by yourself.  The other ends with you yanking back the shower curtain every thirty seconds assured that you will be inches away from the face of an intruder wearing an evil bunny mask with a crossbow aimed for your eyeball. I happened to experience both simultaneously, which was… confusing, terrifying and sexy all at once.

After surviving my emotional ping-pong match, I dried off and opened the window in my room for some natural light. Then, I reached for my blow dryer, plugged it in, and set forth confidently to blow dry my hair. Apparently, I needed to research how electricity works, so I towel dried my hair and fired up the lap top. Brain putty.

What is wrong with my internet? Is everything going to crap out on me today?

These were my legitimate thoughts as I stomped down the stairs to inspect the router. My brain putty sloshed against my skull as I discovered that routers too require an outlet. Who knew? Apparently I used to know.

I continued on attempting to groom myself in my current free prison, but you wouldn’t know it by the looks of my hair. Just as I was feeling smug for dressing myself using the necessities of a cave woman, I realized I was forgetting one thing. I needed to print my resume. Funny how The Office marathon that I engaged in the night before had failed to remind me I needed paper. But anyhow, I marched right up to my printer to find that there were just a few slivers of tree left in the tray. Score. Just as I plugged in the USB and searched for the print option, there it was again. Brain putty.

Moral: Outlets require electricity. If your power is out, so are your outlets. All of them. They won’t work. Not for your hair dryer, not for your router, and certainly not for your printer either. You’re welcome.

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Modern Nomad

There is something I have to accept about my current self. It is something that, surprisingly, I don’t know if I enjoy or hate. Or hate that I enjoy. Or even enjoy hating. I am a modern nomad.

For the past five months I have had no real home. Not physically anyway. At first, the rush of stripping off lease shackles and wiping my name off of the grid gave me a high.  I felt like I had beat some sort of system. The one that says you have to follow a certain progression. The house you grew up in – college dorm – apartment with one too many room mates- apartment with no room mates – rent house – mortgage – death.

I wrote about how fantastic it felt to let go of old crap, the cleansing of de-cluttering, and the excitement of the unknown. I have traveled to so many new places. I lived in a new place. I stayed in so many Holiday Inn Expresses that I am now opening a shop on Ebay selling tiny lotion bottles that are easily mistaken for conditioner.

It’s true. All of that it is exciting. But exciting doesn’t always necessarily associate with words like fun, easy, or stress free. In fact, it has been written that acute stress is what actually brings about excitement. It isn’t always clear, open roads with your favorite song on the radio, and a large Icee in the cup holder. Sometimes, it is bumper to bumper traffic, nothing but radio interference, and a watered down Sprite when you asked for a Coke.

It turns out that being or feeling stuck and confined is often equally as terrifying as being locked out or feeling afloat. I’ve been a creature of habit. I’ve been a hermit, and now I have been a nomad. I have no idea what I will try out next, but I will be something. Sometimes I just don’t know what I want, and I’ve accepted that that probably means I will continue to change forever. And you know what? I am inexplicable okay with that. Actually, I love that about me.

In honor of my nomadic life, check out my second installment of hotel room ramblings: Hotel Room Perks

Winners of my contest for Blogger Interactive will be e-mailed this month, hang tight! I haven’t forgotten!

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“1”

For ten years now, or so it seems, I have had an unfinished, untitled post in the dusty cupboard of my dashboard. Actually, it was titled,  no title, which WordPress automatically assigns to all of those posts you begin to write knowing that you have no intention of finishing but that you begin to write anyway to make yourself feel like you gave it a shot.

The only text it contained read:

1.

This could only mean “1” of “1” things.

In my desperation, I attempted to write a list post. I know what I must have been thinking, “I can surely rattle off quickly, raise a few chuckles, and get my groove back”. Yet, apparently I went into the scheme unarmed, save for the numerals that would keep the words in queue. Well, “1” numeral at least. Today, I finish this list once and for all so that the uncapitalized no title will stop making my brain vibrate with discomfort.

Things That Come In “1’s”

1. 40 oz. beers in paper bags

2. The gummy vitamins that mutated into 1 whole gummy vitamin after I left them in my car in the middle of Summer

3. Kickboxing class

4. Cream cheese packets at Starbucks

5. Becca Cord

Things That Never Come In “1’s:

1.  People who play scratch off tickets at the cash register like it’s the casino

2. Gnats

3. Pomeranians

4. Overly enthusiastic, borderline creepy smiles at Starbucks

5. 5 for $25 panty deals at Victoria’s Secret

Whew! I can’t tell you how relieved I am to have conquered this post. Finally! I can move forward. I’ve been dying to write about so many things, yet I couldn’t stop staring at no title  and knowing that there was a list I needed to purge from my brain. I hope we can all get back to normal around here now.

I’d like to get back in the loop a bit, especially with Blogger Interactive right around the corner, and in hopes that it will shake up my creative juices again now that I have a bit of time freed up. If you comment, send me a link to something you have written in the past week, month, whatever. Something important or something you wrote just for fun. Laughs are encouraged. Thanks Flysters.

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Versus: Part Two

Hello Flysters! It has been a hot minute, right? Well, I promise I have a good excuse. Probably the best, most relevant excuse in the history of 25toFly. I MOVED.

backseat tetris

I can finally add “experienced in backseat Tetris” to my resume.

A whole month before the deadline I set for myself a year and three months ago, I finally moved. In light of the exciting news, I have revamped my about page, lined up some surprises, and launched the Boost YOUR Ideas page. Thank you for coming along this journey with me. I couldn’t have done it without your encouragement. Now on with the stuff that kept you reading in the first place…

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If you aren’t up to speed with my versus experiment, you can check out Part One here. Basically, I have discovered that humans have absolutely no idea what we like or don’t like or why. My first set of versus observations involved food and beverage. Today, I have a few other categories to explore. Get a napkin before I blow your mind.

Broadcast Entertainment Vs. Owned Entertainment

My DVD collection isn’t exactly vast, and I cringe every time I see the face of Kristen Stewart blankly staring up at me from the special edition case of Twilight that my mom gave to me as a gift three years ago. Out of the few movies I do own, 99% of them were given to me or accidentally stolen mysteriously manifested themselves on my DVD rack. This is because I do not buy movies. The only movie I have ever purchased in my life is Bridesmaids. This is because I do not watch movies more than once. And you can’t beat Maya Rudolph shitting in the street.

I don’t watch a movie more than once, unless of course it has carefully been selected by network television and airs back to back over a weekend. I’ve seen the movies Ghost and Dirty Dancing approximately 1,456 times… each.   The Notebook is on FX you say? Get the fuck out of my chair and don’t touch my popcorn or else you will be the one with memory loss after a swift elbow to the noggin. If any Adam Sandler movie is on, you can basically assume that the TV has absorbed me like that little girl from Poltergeist. Oh yeah, poltergeist, that’s another one.

poltergeist

Jack is obsessed with Tom and Jerry. How adorable.

Had I owned any of these movies they would be collecting cat nip dust on a shelf. I guess I just can’t enjoy my movies without the painful interference of bad commercials and censored words like “BLEEP” and “BLEEP”.

Radio Vs. Ipod

Here we have a similar phenomenon. With an Ipod and Pandora Radio app on my Iphone, you would think I’d never run out of something to jam, right? Wrong. About a minute after I urgently cough up 99 cents for a must-have song that I will out play to the point of nausea, I am just as soon shuffling to the next crappy song to avoid puking on my steering wheel. Repeat cycle.

Pandora is a whole other beast. Whoever decided that you only get five skips within the hour is obviously the type of person who eats the same bowl of cereal for every meal. Gross.

Recently I bought and downloaded that song by Mumford & Sons and accidentally fell asleep with it on repeat. When I woke up, I felt as though the hemispheres of my brain had fused together and every time I tried to form a sentence all that would come out was, “I will wait, I will wait, I will wait”. Needless to say, I swore off the song forever. Ten minutes later, as I was driving to grab a smoothie, I realized I was beaming rays of kitten kisses out of my ears as I giddily sang along with the very song I had just banished from my life.

What gives?

Your Cat Vs. My Cat

Speaking if kitten kisses, I will leave you with this last enigma. As everyone must know, I have a cat. He is quite famous actually…

DWIGHT CAT MEME

Cat and snake = cake

Sure, I enjoy petting my cat (shut up), but for some reason it never compares to petting someone else’s cat (shut up!). Maybe it is the uncertainty of whether or not the unknown cat will enjoy my advances or try to slit my wrist with its claws. Maybe it is the excitement of newness and the unknown. Maybe I am just secretly resentful of Jack’s fame.

What kind of weird versus situations do you find yourself in?

Everyone do me a favor and follow @BlogInteractive on Twitter for updates and information on this year’s big meet up in Austin, TX. Even if you do not plan to attend, you can still live vicariously, or even organize a meet up of your own. We will feature it on the official site which will be launching SOON. Thank you!

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Flyte

So I quit my day job. Today is my last day of work, and I am flying out Friday to vacation in Michigan through Memorial Day. I am here today to simply assure you, I will be coming back HAM on the blog and BeccaTube upon my return. It’s going to get hard core in here. And I’m not even talking porn.

But in the mean time, I have two favors to ask:

1. Y’all trooped up and got me nominated for the Badass Blogger Awards in TWO categories (Funniest Blogger and Funniest Vlogger). Su-weet. Now the voting phase is in full effect. So this is my “Becca for President” plea. If you enjoy my humor, I would appreciate your vote. BUT, I also have to say, there are a couple of other bloggers I respect who are also nominated for the Funniest Blogger category, so I want to support votes for them too. Also, if you don’t vote for TJ in her categories then I…. I…. I will do something really bad. I seriously admire her drive and passion for the art she creates.

Seriously though, regardless of who you are voting for, the important thing is that you do it! Click here meow. Voting ends May 31st.

2. It’s time to scratch a line through one of my ultimate bucket list items: write a post while flying. I mean, this is 25toFly, right?

I think I will do it without my seatbelt on. And airplane drunk. Which is much more fun than normal drunk.

What I want from you are suggestions on what to write about, what to observe on the plane, or maybe even ideas of pictures I can try to snap while en route. Kind of like a scavenger hunt that you direct. GO! Over and out Flysters.

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Please Welcome Back Z: The Fugitive

By popular demand, I am back! Well, that was actually my demand to Becca; to write another blog for me to have something entertaining to read today. When she failed to meet that demand, I decided it better to write my own and use her webspace to host the story I am about to tell. I posted the shortened version on my Facebook yesterday and received a bountiful seven “likes” that left me quite disappointed. So, instead I am going to use Becca’s immense following to help me bask in the glory of what I accomplished. After this is finished, I am going to Nevada to find a cavern where I can further retell my story by the use of finger paintings on cave walls.

KCCO

He looks innocent enough, right? Wrong, Read on.

Read the rest of this entry

More From Mr. OB

Do you remember Mr. OB? You should. Catch up here and here. I often wonder about the interpretation of our friendship from afar. A twenty-four year old girl enjoying drinks and conversation at a restaurant bar with a sixty something year old man. Maybe it is an odd friendship pairing to outside eyes, but I do firmly believe in the notion of age only being a number. I know some of my friends who are still in their twenties that are older than Mr. OB. Not only does Mr. OB provide me with continuous entertainment with his quirks and no-fucks-given attitude, but he also has some pretty incredible stories to share.

Why, just last week I had dinner with Mr. OB after an extended period of not having dinner with Mr. OB for no particular reason. He told me the hilarious story about the time that he hitch hiked from Mississippi to Illinois to stay with a friend when he was just 19 years old. He was kicked out of his college for being in a girl’s dorm after hours and decided to get out-of-town to avoid the heat from his parents. Shocker.

We began to discuss the differences between the times. Hitch hiking was common place and not surrounded by the qualms of abduction back then. At least not as much as now. He told me about the people who picked him up along the way.

Me: “So what were the people like? How many different people picked you up?”

Mr OB: “I don’t remember a lot, but I do remember this one hippy chick who picked me up” Read the rest of this entry

Lying Isn’t My Strong Suit

Okay, so obviously my announcement that I was retiring as a blogger was a completely ridiculous April Fool’s Day prank that many people saw straight through. I’ve never been good at April Fool’s Day trickery, but I did confuse a few people by shutting down my blog for a day. I have always been a supporter of mischievous antics, so I couldn’t let it pass without my own pranking attempt. Even if they always end up less effective than trying to microwave boil your Easter eggs.

april fools wordpress

Y’all are too smart, so I had to take it a step further than just a FB update.

april fools wordpress

A few people seemed to take the bait when I disabled my public blog.

april fools wordpress

Jules, Jules, Jules… you should know better.

I’ll tell y’all this much, I was duped far more times than I did the duping this April 1st, but it was an interesting day nonetheless. Read the rest of this entry

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