Blog Archives

Sleepless in Louisiana

I will be out of the blog arena this week for reasons which I can not disclose. Yet. So in my absence, welcome back the one, the only, Mr. Hook….

secrets

Secrets, secrets are no fun — no, actually they are.

TEN THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT BECCA. Read the rest of this entry

New Toy

I haven’t been writing.

This time I am not going to blame writer’s block. I am not even going to blame my blog for taking over and bashing the hell out of me. Actually, I don’t even feel guilty for not writing at this point…

This time, the writing is being vetoed by a much powerful force. I have purchased a new toy. I spent hours in bed with it this weekend to the point of exhaustion. There will certainly be a significant amount of embarrassment upon my next encounter with my neighbors, for they surely overheard my shrieks of  excitement and enjoyment. Even Jack subtly exited the room on several occasions as if  even he was embarrassed for me. I practically needed a “do not disturb” sign.

Whoa. I know you all have your minds on peen today (thanks Clown man), but what kind of gal do you take me for? I am talking about my new HD Webcam and accompanying movie editing software. I have many ideas swarming in my mind right now that it is hard for me to wrangle them all and put them into manageable cubbyholes in my mind. So for now, you can just watch me play with my new toy for about fifteen seconds. After all, that’s about how long it takes to get anyone off, right?

Please note: I am no longer just a pixel of your imagination. There will be much more to come once I master this thing.

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5 Healthy Alternatives to The Wall Slide

Believe it or not, I get a little blue from time to time. Surprise! I am human.

Whether the problem be as small as forgetting my lunch at home or as big as struggling to change my career, sometimes it feels good to just sulk for a minute. Just a minute. One. Small. Minute. We need to let ourselves fully feel some of these emotions in order to conquer them.

There is this cliché scene in movies where a character gets overwhelmed and you see them lean up against a door or wall and slide down until they are sitting there on the floor. Dejected. With a sigh and maybe even a face palm. We have all been there. I probably get there at least once a week. No really, I actually perform this dramatic sequence. The wall slide. It actually makes me feel better. But there are other weird ways in which I console myself when I am feeling frustrated, sad, lonely, or beset. Here are five of them that you may recognize as well.

Wallslide-Cartoon

Ariel gets it.

1. Driving just to drive.

Here’s the scenario. I leave an awful day at work. I arrive home and go through the routine: Check mail. Climb stairs. Go run. Feed Jack. Clean up all of the messes Jack made while I was away. Shower. Eat. Get antsy. Feel lonely. Grab keys. Music. Drive. It may not be economical, but it is certainly meditative.

2. Sitting in the shower.

Luckily for me, I have a tiny triangular bench/seat in my shower, so I don’t have to go full on pathetic by squatting or sitting on the drain. You know you have done it. After a stressful day when the water is really hot, you just want that moment where you don’t have to think or do anything or move a muscle (or stand apparently). So you sit. In the shower. Like a kid sitting under a sprinkler but with much less innocence and way more exhaustion. Occasionally beer is involved, as you learned last week.

3. Staring at the ceiling.

Seriously, try it. Lay down diagonally across your bed. Add a medium-speed fan for an even more trance like experience. At this point, you contemplate life and sigh… a lot.

4. Cleaning everything.

This one is for the more aggressive expulsion of bottled up emotions. There is nothing like blaring some Tech N9ne while you scrub the absolute shit out of your base boards, toilet, shower that you sit in, and/or your kitchen. The plus here is that you get to be over-the-top in the non-destructive way. There is nothing like waking up with your eyes swollen from cry-cleaning to the smell of lemon pledge and ammonia.

5. Writing a post about your feelings.

See this post.

Thanks to everyone who gave feedback on Wednesday about the  blogger meet-up. We will be posting an update in the up coming weeks. I really think we can pull this off. If we don’t, I am going to have to find a lot of walls to slide down.

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Blogger Meet Up 2013

I am sure y’all remember that huge (imaginary) New Year’s meet up most of us partook in, even if you “don’t remember”. Although it was almost two months ago, I think it is safe to say its memory is still more enchanting than anyone could have fathomed.

weird party

No one remembers this?!

Now, imagine if that had been real life. The sensation you just felt was the process of your mind exploding.  But bare with me here.

Lately, I have noticed that a lot of mystical and cosmic encounters have been occurring among WordPress bloggers. While we were all getting classy-trashy at our party, Tracy spent New Year’s Eve with none other than Le Clown and his troops IRL. Vyvacious got to meet Sweet Mother and the fearless Jillian Levi last month. The same Jillian Levi who got to meet up with Calahan after that. I am still not over that one. Hell, even La La announced at one point that she received some free travel miles and took to Facebook to get suggestions on a destination.

What does this all mean, and why do I feel so left out? Besides the fact that I am totally left out. (I wear my tweets on my sleeve)

I began stewing. After that, I began high jacking Facebook comment threads with jealous rants. Then, I decided to stop pouting and do something about it.

I e-mailed Jen demanding that we organize a blogger meet up for 2013. I’m imagining something out of You’ve Got Mail, only you don’t have to make out with anyone at the end if you don’t want. You also won’t go out of business (if you have one). You will, however, have to know how to spell fox. That’s the secret password to get into the meet up.

Jen then pooped her pants in agreement. Thank god I had some baby wipes handy. We obviously make a great team, so we decided to join forces to make this blorgy happen. We would like to work on getting a census of where everyone is located, come up with a centralized venue that would be ideal for most of the bloggers interested, and of course pick some date(s).

BUT FIRST, we need to find out if this is something in which bloggers out there would actually participate. Are you pooing your pants in excitement like Jen, or would you rather remain loving your blog friends from afar? Much like that really rank smelling, yet extremely sweet and helpful cousin of yours. Maybe you don’t give a shit either way, but please humor us.

If you wouldn’t mind, please take a second and let us know by answering the poll questions below in a comment. Actually, you better do it or else I am going to high jack the comment section of your blog and continuously post Harlem Shake video links until the spam filter catches me. Or something.

To meet or not to meet? That is the question.

1. Would you be interested in attending a blogger meetup?

2. What is the closest metropolitan area to you?

3. If you are down, what other place(s) would you like to have a meetup?

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A Valentine’s Day Production

Don’t you hate it when people pronounce Valentine’s as Valentime’s? Don’t you hate it when you have to wait in line forever at the grocery store, because everyone is in front of you with last-minute flowers? Don’t you hate it when people talk about things they hate about Valentine’s Day?

valentines day meme

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Well me too, and you wont have to experience any of those things today. Or at least for the next four minutes and thirty-two seconds because…

IT’S TIME TO WITNESS THE V-DAY COLLABORATION OF TWO DESTINED BLOGGERS! 

Who: Adam of My Right to Bitch (also known as: dashing) and me, Becca (also known as: many other nicknames involving the faux color of my hair)!

What: A virtual date!

Where: Right here on this blog, a diamond in the rough sands of this wasteland we call the internet!

When: Right when you click play!

How: Divine intervention!

I used approximately five exclamation marks just now. That is how you know I am beyond stoked about this. So, without further ado or anymore annoying punctuation, here is our vlog baby.

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Shower Beer

Dude, my blog was kind of an ass last week huh? I finally gained some sort of control. It was actually quite simple to distract my blog so that I could post as me again. I simply opened a movie containing a lot of nudity on Netflix in one tab while I wrote this post in another. Apparently my blog has a problem with the ways in which I unwind in the privacy of my own home, so in spite of my blog hijacking last week, I am going to continue my lush activities. One being the shower beer.

Shower beer

Beaver says… even Michelob Ultra makes a good shower beer.

My coozie says beaver on it. It’s okay to laugh. I know that beavers are totally funny animals in general and really have nothing to do with naked girls taking showers, so I understand how hilarious it is. Beaver.

Now, if you notice in the left photo, I have made sure to censor my entire shoulder and not show any of my armpit either. That would have just been a tease. Plus, I know better than to expose myself like that on the internet. The plus side is that you can still say you have technically seen Becca in the shower. No one will know it was only from my shower beer up.

What is a shower beer you ask? The answer to all of your problems. That’s what. Had a bad day at work? Wash it away while you wash down your favorite lager. Just broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Good, more beer for you and your shower. Didn’t make it to the gym today? Sweat it out under the scalding water with a Bud Select 55 and call it a day.

It isn’t just comforting in times of distress either. You can also resort to a shower beer in times of celebration. Someone bought you a free six-pack? It’s probably because you are charming and worthy, so have that first ice-cold brew under the cascades of your home-made waterfall. Had a sexy day? Make it even sexier with a shower beer. Finally quit your awful day job? Stay in the bathroom until all of the hot water is gone and down as many bottles as you can. You don’t have to wake up tomorrow!

Are you getting the point here? There is never a bad time for this ritual. This is the ultimate indulgence, and the best part is that no one is judging. Your shower head and shampoo bottle will never give you a hard time about downing that pomegranate raspberry Michelob while you scrub your guns and pecs with a pink loofah. You can even enjoy a bath beer in substitution for the shower beer without guilt. It still counts.

If you don’t drink, start drinking. Or as another alternative, grab an O’douls or maybe even a root beer and get naked. Either way, you deserve it.

ADDENDUM: This Thursday is Valentine’s Day. I am sure you are overly aware. The good news is that instead of posting some bitch-fest post, or gushing about a boyfriend, I did something much cooler and way less annoying. I got together with Adam over at My Right to Bitch headquarters, and we came up with a new tradition for the holiday. Be sure to tune in Thursday for our insane collaboration! 

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Lyrical Interpretations and Junk

Some musicians just have it, you know. That spark that let’s them enter a part of our brains in which they can do no wrong. It doesn’t happen often, but when it happens to me it is sort of otherworldly. The rhythm of the songs don’t get old, even the most asinine lyrics make sense, and I begin to think every album was written specifically for me.

For example, I give you Alanis Morissette. First of all, her name is fucking Alanis. That is the kind of name that makes the Sarahs, Lindseys, and Beccas  of the world feel like lemmings. Then there is her voice. Hurry, think of someone else who sounds like her (okay, besides that Meridith Brooks girl). You can’t.

alanis morissette meme

Keanu, you think of everything.

So you get it, I like Alanis.

I like her regardless of her blatant misuse of the word ironic. I like her regardless off the fact that she either has something very secret and important in one of her pockets at all times, or she’s trying to be discrete about getting off in public. I even like her regardless of the fact that she sings about cross-eyed bears. Those are  the lyrics, right? Right?!

That being said, this post isn’t actually about Alanis but rather inspired by her. It may sound jabby but remember, I already said that I liked her, so it is okay.

You all know her little song about “irony” (also known as things that are unfortunate). With all due respect, I can think of a few things that are worse than a free ride when you’ve already paid. If the ride is free you probably don’t want it anyway. Bam!

Here are five things worse than the original “Ironic” lyrics, because I am clever like that:

1. Ten thousand knives when all you need is a spoon. Think about it. It is way more painful to eat soup with a knife than to cut your PB&J with a spoon.

2. Your wedding day… in general. Zing!

3. A traffic jam when you’re already late to your last-chance court date. You’re going to jail, and it looks like someone else is going to have their hand in your pocket. No, probably just completely in your pants without your discretion.

4. Just a “no smoking” sign.  Obviously I haven’t quit yet.

5. Meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting all five  of his wives.  Say what you want, I just wasn’t brought up that way.

BONUS VLOG: About junk. The kind in your drawers. Not drawers as in underwear. Pervert.

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Can Clowns Hire Clowns for Their Birthday Parties?

Or would that just get weird. Like a stripper hiring a stripper?

Le Clown, Eric, friend. Here is a haiku on your birthday, because Jack made me.

If Jack’s name was said

With a G instead of J

His name would be Gack

gack

So gangster

gak

Or more like this.

If you don’t know what actual Gak is, you should definitely scour E-bay for some. It is the ultimate birthday toy  to provide you with hours of good clean fun. Or dirty fun. Who am I to tell anyone what they should do with their Gak? I always enjoyed making fart noises with mine.

Le Clown, Eric, friend. On this very special birthday of yours, you seek to unlock a special post. You have done uncountable favors for me, La Becca, and never was it even close to being my birthday. So, for that I am forever indebted and will proudly help guide you to the next step in your journey.

Here are some hints about the blog that you seek next. I do not have cable, thus this gal’s blog keeps me up to date on important news like what is happening on The Bachelor. I don’t know how I would go on without the service she provides me, provides us. It took me an unacceptably long time to figure out that this particular blogger was actually a female. Once I did, I liked her blog all the more.

She is one of your top blogroll members, and she comes with a weird handsome sidekick torso thing.

Now go find the droids you were looking for. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!

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