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Something Is Amiss

This past weekend was the Superbowl, but instead I went bear hunting. You read that correctly. I don’t have pictures to prove it, and I wasn’t actually hunting. You game wardens out there can calm down. So while you were watching Beyonce knock out the power with her bootyliciousness and extensions, I was searching for Winnie The Pooh. How do you feel about that?

woods and tractors

Bear watching and tractors. Fuck yeah. Take that Superbowl.

I can’t get into detail about what happened to me out in those woods, but not because I did anything illegal. The real reason I can not properly tell you about my excursion is because there is something amiss with my blog. While attempting to wow you with a post about my Bear Grylls (no name-pun intended) antics, my blog started acting… funny. And not the normal kind of  hilarious funny.

For example:

When I attempted to click the “New Post” tab, a java script error popped up on my screen that said, “Oh, finally attempting a post? Haha, nope,” and my whole browser shut down on its own. I wasn’t even touching the mouse.

On my second attempt, as I tried to navigate back to the WordPress homepage, I kept getting redirected to the Creative Writing for Dummies Cheat SheetI knew there was something funky in the water at this point.

As a true test, I decided I would try to answer some comments that were being neglected. When I guided my cursor over the reply box, the faded default message, “Enter your comment here…” no longer existed. In its place was, “Peanut butter jelly time baby cakes…”. When I tried to erase it and type my own message, everything came out in Webdings font. This is when I opened the Jim Beam and closed the lap top.

I’m befuddled as to what has been happening to my blog. It took seventeen battles with my dashboard just to bang out this cry for help post for today. Have any of you been experiencing shenanigans on your blogs? Is WordPress just playing an early April fools joke on me, or is there something bigger at work here? Any insight is appreci B============D—–

What the fu ( . )( . )   ( . )( . )   ( . )( . )


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Back to The Basics

Good morning there puppets.

I simply wanted to write an update post today. I have been busily working on several projects for the up and coming year. One of them involves ventriloquism. One of them also involves a men’s urinal. What a combination, right? Those are the only hints I can give.

This weekend, be on the look out for the duo vlog from me and La La. There is something in it for you. We also think in the video, so you really don’t want to miss it.

On the morning of January 4th, my second article will go live on The Indie Chicks. It’s about that Color Run I didn’t actually run a while back, but it is also about expectations versus reality. I think we all can relate to that. Oh, and there is mention of slip-n-sliding so now you are required to read it.

There will be no fancy new blog theme for 2013. My blog avoids aesthetic improvements… much like your mom. Did you see that “your mom” joke that just happened?  Soak it up.

The end of this year has been really fun. Money was raised, there were shout outs galore, vlogs, blog parties, contests, special friendships, a few power couple formations, and I spontaneously combusted on ACOF.   Read the rest of this entry

A Tangerine in a Bowl Full of Oranges

orange nail polish

What a lovely shade of Cheetoh! (Google Images)

I know it is hard to believe, but occasionally I do enjoy doing girly things like getting my nails done. I’m sure my nail lady thinks I am boring because I never dare let acrylic anywhere near me, and I almost always get a neutral color job. I also absolutely won’t opt for shellac. My fingernails are nails for heaven’s sake, not hard wood floors.

Homely nails or not, the experience is anything but plain for me. I get approximately three hours to just sit and do nothing… except maybe explain why I don’t have a boyfriend to “Jenny” or fight off the tickle reflex that leaves me praying I won’t accidentally punt my pedicurist. I am physically incapable of doing so much nothing anywhere else.

There is something about beauty salons that make people itch to talk. It is usually the customers who gossip away while Jenny and the gang nod silently every so often to feign interest. This is the case for all employees at my nail salon except for one particular manicuring machine named Song. She is a talker. Not only does she talk, but she is actually quite the joker. She can find a punch line in any situation. Naturally, I adore her.

Just last week I was letting my feet boil soak while waiting for my pedicurist to come give my feet dirty looks, when Song appeared and began working on the woman’s feet next to me. If you could call them feet. The particularly large woman was there for some relaxation with her two gal pals positioned in the chairs surrounding her. She was on her way to get married, and to add to the excitement, so were both of her friends. It turns out they were having a three-way-wedding, thus Song had three brides’ feet on her hands. Are you lost in extremities yet?

You would think Song would be a bit nervous given the task, and it didn’t help that the brides-to-be were nothing short of bossy, but miraculously she was on top of her game. She wasn’t missing a beat or a single hangnail for that matter. She even managed to successfully locate a “tangerine” colored nail polish at one of the bridezilla’s adamant requests. Meanwhile, I was busy debating whether or not I needed to translate my color request into a fruit name equivalent.

Song finished off her pedicure/comedy routine with a nice quip about not getting the grooms mixed up at the altar and sent the three walking traffic cones on their peachy way. With my feet freed and my toes looking exactly as they did when I arrived, I headed for the door. Before I left,  I slipped Song a ten-dollar bill accompanied by a grin and a wink.

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Hey Lady, I Heard You Like Jokes…

hey lady!

Jokes are skeleton keys to manipulating a multitude of situations. People use them to ease awkward or uncomfortable conversations or experiences. Marketers use them to capture customer attention. Even someone as serious as the President uses jokes (even if it is poorly executed). Opportunities for jokes are everywhere, so it makes sense that they are abundant.

I personally cringe to see a good sexual joke go neglected. Luckily, my friends find this wildly entertaining as opposed to obnoxious (which is probably a more accurate description). In fact, one of my friends and I enjoy this pastime so much that we developed the “Hey Lady/Hey Pal” game. The rules are simple. The joke must be unexpected, sexual in nature, and read or spoken in a typical Boston accent. The basic structure looks like this:

“Hey lady/pal, I heard you like _______. Well, I got your _________ RIGHT HERE! Yeah!” 

Here is a real life example for better understanding:

Friend texts: “I’m getting dentisted right now.” (translation: I am at the dentist’s office for a routine teeth cleaning)

My response: “Hey lady, I heard you like going to the dentist. Well, I got your palette expander RIGHT HERE! Yeah!”

One more to demonstrate the female version, and because I can’t control myself:

Friend sends me a picture of a job site he is working at doing manly lumberjack stuff 

Me: “Hey pal, I heard you like landscaping. Well, I’ve got a field you can plow RIGHT HERE! Yeah!”

Once the joke war has commenced, the first one to respond with anything other than a hey lady/pal joke loses.What kind of ridiculous games do you and your friends play?

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