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Things That Are Impossible To Do and One That Is Not

impossibru

Do I have to say it? Don’t make me say it. [Google Images]

1. Understand how Honey Boo Boo makes more money in three episodes than I do in an entire year.

2. Stop the gas pump at an even number.

3. Get Freshly Pressed.

becca cord

Ba dun tsssss

4. Take a picture of yourself winking without looking like you are in the midst if a seizure.

5. Declare a winner of a staring contest with yourself in the mirror.

6. Have enough cream cheese for the whole  bagel.

bagel with cream cheese

Every. Single. Time. [Google Images]

7. Scratch an itch through blue jeans.

8. Stop eating sun flower seeds.

9. Think of ten things that are impossible.

The not impossible?

1. Exceed 100 posts.

You just read 102. That is all for today.

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24 Years and 10 Apologies

funny apology card

As I approach my 24th birthday in two weeks, I feel there are some apologies that need expressing.

1. First and foremost, I am sorry for that one time when I was ten and “accidentally” dropped that bird egg just to see what  would happen. I knew. Hello instant guilt and remorse. On the bright side, I then crossed murderer off my potential what-ill-grow-up-to-be list.

2. I am sorry and ashamed that I still haven’t learned to spell accidentally or pursue correctly on the first try. If it weren’t for those squiggly red lines sometimes I swear…

3. I apologize to my Iphone for treating you like Ren treats Stimpy. You stupid idiot.

4. I am particularly sorry for that time drunk-artist-me drew a mural in the ladies bathroom with my lipstick at insert-local-bar-name-here. Mostly, because I will never find a more perfect pout paint. And, a special apology to whomever had to clean it up, but you know I made up for it at the regulars’ Christmas party.

5. I am sorry that the last sentence of the previous apology had sexual undertones. I assure you the Christmas party was only PG-13 at most, and that I didn’t take anyone in to a coat room. We don’t even have coat rooms down here.

6. I am sorry that half pint regularly posts photos like this on my Facebook.

becca cord playing drums with a cat

6. Third floor apartment. No elevator. Do I even have to say it?

8. I’m sorry that number 7 was actually a lie. I am not sorry in the least. In fact, I want to make an album and use this photo mash up as cover art. Only with better shop-ing of my head.

9. No, I do not want to give you my name, number, e-mail address, pin number, fingerprint, and donate a dollar to the prevent paper cuts foundation. Sorry. I just want to go home.

10. More sincerely, I am sorry that I wasn’t thinking of what all that tanning with afro-sheen was going to do to my skin past the age of 16.

Here is to 24: the age when nothing happens. Isn’t it magical?

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