Lying Isn’t My Strong Suit

Okay, so obviously my announcement that I was retiring as a blogger was a completely ridiculous April Fool’s Day prank that many people saw straight through. I’ve never been good at April Fool’s Day trickery, but I did confuse a few people by shutting down my blog for a day. I have always been a supporter of mischievous antics, so I couldn’t let it pass without my own pranking attempt. Even if they always end up less effective than trying to microwave boil your Easter eggs.

Y’all are too smart, so I had to take it a step further than just a FB update.

A few people seemed to take the bait when I disabled my public blog.

Jules, Jules, Jules… you should know better.

I’ll tell y’all this much, I was duped far more times than I did the duping this April 1st, but it was an interesting day nonetheless.

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Definitely Cry Over Expired Milk

My impulse purchasing has become a real problem as of late. I am not even paying attention anymore. Last night I was picking up a few beers and for some reason felt compelled to buy some milk too. I don’t even know why. I never buy milk. So, this morning I wake up and realize that I have milk, which is a rare commodity in my fridge. I open the little bottle and take a big swig.

It took me about half a second after I already swallowed my sip to realize that something was not right. I looked at the expiration date immediately.

Thanks for leaving me with no option but to chug a beer at 11 am, because I had no other beverages with which to chase my rancid milk.

 

So that means that this milk has been sitting in some gas station cooler for over two weeks, and I picked it up, bought  it, and drank it. How does this happen? Maybe I should just stop buying things all together. I am not very good at purchasing.

Before you watch my new vlog below, I have a secret to tell you!

Lazy Mexican Chili

This one is for all of you foodies out there, ahem, Vyv (but read it anyway even if you are not a foodie, because I used jokes). I may not make cupcake Frankensteins, but I do treat my kitchen like a science lab on occasion. When I began blogging, I was on a serious cooking kick. I could bust out a stuffed chicken parme-something or a stuffed bell pepper without even looking at the recipe.

Lately? Not so much. I can barely find a clean cup to drink out of let alone put some Julia Child shit on the table. And, as I have mention before (in a post long ago), cooking for one can be … discouraging. So, how did I make it better? I experimented. Ultimately, Lazy Mexican Chili was born.

What you need:

1 lb ground beef
1 can sweet corn
1 package taco seasoning
H2O
Salsa
Sour cream
Mexican shredded cheese (not shredded by actual Mexicans)
Tortilla chips (optional)
A feline companion or Tequila

What to do with your junk (not your naughty junk):

Brown your ground meet. Drain it and try not to burn yourself with beef grease. Say beef grease out loud because it sounds hilarious. Say it louder so your neighbors and/or significant other can hear you and laugh too. If you have neither, tweet it to your internet friends.

Get back on track and warm up the corn in a separate pot. Put your pan with drained ground beef back on the stove and add in 2/3 cup water and the taco seasoning. Imagine your worst boss’s face in the bottom of the pan and have at it with a ladle or something. This will help break up the meat to allow for better chewing during the consuming process.

Give the beef about four minutes to get its taco on while you crumble some tortilla chips in a bowl. Once your beef is all seasoned up, put some in the bowl with the tortilla chips and start mixing in copious amounts of salsa, sour cream, corn, and cheese. Felicidades! You have made Lazy Mexican Chili. Put on a sombrero and eat it.

If you did it right, you will look something like this and a cigar will manifest itself.

NOTE: It dawned on me after writing this that the title of my dish may sound as if I am implying that Mexicans are lazy. I am not. I am implying that this recipe is lazy. I’m lazy. I am not Mexican. Glad we settled that.

There is something different about 25toFly since yesterday. I wonder what it is?

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Who Are You Ty Ling?

Apparently, according to Google translate, Ty Ling translates precisely to “Ty Ling” in English. I assume from this in-depth research that Ty Ling is not a phrase, adjective, verb, or even just a noun. It is a proper noun. A name. But who are you Ty Ling?

Recently, I have posted a few fortunes on my Twitter feed that I particularly enjoyed. Today for your entertainment, I will share with you my insight into this Ty Ling character, which I acquired by finishing off the box of his or her fortune cookies last night for dinner.  

Ty Ling… Bigs? I have got to work on my product placement.

Fortune # 1: “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”

What is impossible, Ty Ling, is how you got those slivers of paper into those cookies without fusing the two together during baking, or without breaking the cookie post bake. If they are even baked at all. Fun for you, sure. Mind boggling for me.

Fortune # 2: “Made in USA.”

You cheeky bastard, Ty Ling. This is my show, stop stealing it.

Fortune # 3: “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”

Really, Ty Ling? I bet that people wouldn’t agree with the same concept regarding babies. But thanks. I guess.

Fortune # 4: MIA

I guess you forgot to work your magic on that one, Ty. 

Fortune # 5: “Love is as necessary to human beings as food and shelter.”

You are throwing curve balls now, Ling. I have no clue where you get this shit. 

Fortune # 6: “Friendship is an ocean that you cannot see the bottom.”

False. I’ve seen all of my true friends’ asses.

Fortune # 7: “Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish.”

This is not even a fortune. It’s simply sound advice. But, I do love salmon, so thanks.

If I have learned nothing else by this experiment, it is that Ty Ling is a sassy individual, and that his or her fortune cookies have the nutritional value just shy of cardboard sprinkled with nine grams of sugar.

Bonus nutritional fact: Fortune cookies contain zero milligrams of cholesterol but five-cookies-per-110-calorie-serving worth of blog material. They are a bargain.

How would your perfect fortune read?

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We Love Each Other

I wrap good.

Don’t you love a good conversation with your family on the Holidays? My family sure does…

Brother (from a room on the other side of the house): “Come help me, I don’t know how to wrap.”

Me: “No.”

Brother: “Come help me.”

Mom: “She said no.”

Brother: “Okay.”

On shopping last minute…

Brother: “What can I get for Dad?”

Me: “He likes to be outdoors. You should get him a tent so he can camp out in the back yard.”

Brother: “He would probably love that.”

Me: “Or, a pillow for when he sleeps on the floor. I was joking about the tent.”

Brother: “I am going to get him slippers. If he doesn’t like them I will take them.”

Me: “I don’t think that is how it is supposed to work.”

Brother: “Do you have any money?”

Merry Christmas everyone. May all of your conversations be this deep.

Hey You, I Think You’re Fly

People get down. People get irrational thoughts when they are down. People either break, or get through it. This weekend I thought a lot about two people. Tracy Fulks and Wayne. They both have overcome some things that are pretty much equivalent to that asteroid Bruce Willis had to blow up. I will stay firm in my belief that this is why the world didn’t end. Owe you one, Bruce. Anyway, I just wanted to recognize that there are some strong people around here. I look up to those people. Thinking about their battles and triumphs stops me when I begin to sulk over the petty.

Wayne gave me two awards recently which really boosted me, but I haven’t been able to participate in keeping those going. I think I made a subconscious decision not to participate in those anymore simply because I have too much already planned to work on. I feel a bit bad about this.

I am still proud of my mistletoe placement.

So here is what I am going to do. I am giving Wayne and Tracey my own personal award. The Fly Blog Award (holiday style). I am also giving it to Jillian, because she is one of the most supportive bloggers ever, and I know she will appreciate it.  Basically, you can do whatever you want with the blabel. Use it as media in a post, put it on your sidebar, laugh at it and walk away, whatever. But, those are my own real long johns in the background, so treat them with care. Don’t worry, you don’t have to kiss anyone’s crotch either. Unless you want to…

You can pass it on or not. If you chose to pass it along, there are no award rules except that you can only pass it to one person that embodies your definition of fly. Give that person the spotlight they deserve. You don’t have to answer any questions, thank me personally on your blog, or link back to me.

The End

My last post bestowed upon the world can not be a repost about fucking Tuesdays. I just can’t allow that to happen. It’s pathetic. Instead I made a meme, because Jen said they are cool, and we are a power couple, so there.

If you are a logical human being, you don’t think the world will suddenly end tomorrow in a clusterfuck of literally earth shattering natural phenomenons that will eventually result in me getting into a plane with John Cusack and an amateur pilot.

I am one of those logical people (reluctantly because I have a serious lady boner for John Cusack).

This doesn’t mean, however, that I will not use the ridiculous prediction to my advantage to get away with all kinds of unacceptable behavior between now and December 22nd. You should take advantage of this too. In fact, I started last night. Here are some examples to give your mind a head-start on coming up with risky ideas.

Lunch Break Wins and Fails

It’s payday, so I got to go drop off my check at the bank: WIN

So did everyone else in the entire city, at the very same bank: FAIL

Someone tell that kid to stop staring at my soul please.

I got a really rare flavored Dum Dum sucker from the teller: WIN

I left it in the tube: FAIL

I don’t know why this excites me. I don’t even like suckers.

I ignored my better judgement and decided to eat McDonalds: WIN

I realized I have a problem with french fries when the lady in the car next to me sheilded her children’s eyes from the sight of me smashing them into my face: FAIL

The first step is acknowledgment…

I checked my WordPress app to see I have exceeded 19, 000,000 views: EPIC WIN

I am utterly dilusional: EPIC FAIL

Stupid App.

 

Nothing fell out of my Big Mac when I removed it from the box: WIN

I Immediately bit into a pickle: FAIL

YEAH!

 

I found honey to dip my obesity sticks in: WIN

My fingers now stick to the keyboard: FAIL

I can’t play on the internet with sticky fingers. It’s so unfair.

Remember kids, french fries should never be eaten individually, but always in groups.

It feels good to be back to silly.

 

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